The 'Total Bellas' star was desperate to have a baby with her former partner but because he wasn't interested on having kids, she shelved her plans to become a mother.
She said: ''Rather than turn and face that, I pushed it under the carpet and figured I could pretend like it wasn't there. Because I was terrified of losing my love, I stuffed my desire for marriage and kids as deep as I could. He had made it clear that they weren't on the menu for him. That's tough, though, because if you're inclined that way, then the more you grow to love someone, the more you want it all. I stopped giving voice to those needs, though. I was worried my ex would call it off and let me go. And while I wanted those things very badly - I just wanted him more.''
And Nikki - who is now expecting a baby with her fiance Artem Chigvintsev - admits she has ''many regrets'' about her relationship with John as she struggled with ''feelings of loneliness and abandonment'' because of her relationship with her father.
Writing in her new memoir, Incomparable, she added: ''I have many regrets about that relationship. The primary one is that I wish I'd known myself better before I got into it. I wish I'd understood how the patterns in my life, and my relationship with my own father, informed how I react to love, boundaries, and feelings of abandonment. I think I could have averted some of what happened. Because my dad left when I was 15, I learned how to fill in the holes. I expect to be left behind and to find a way to not confront or acknowledge those feelings of loneliness and abandonment.''
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