Prince

Prince
Prince performing at his last UK festival experience at 2011's Hop Farm Festival

At 55 years old, Prince is every bit the flamboyant and erudite performer of his 80’s heyday, as his recent slew of small live gigs across the UK has proven. A headlining Glastonbury performance would guarantee many things such as glorious sing-alongs and a mountainous selection of hits. It would transform the crowd into a mass of uninterrupted gyrations. Quite simply, no-one will be able to resist the temptation to get down to the Purple One’s sultry funk. He may have dropped off the radar slightly in recent years, but with a new album ready to be swooned over by his legion of adoring fans, a Glastonbury appearance would be a fitting comeback for one of music’s most consciously individual and celebrated all-round performers. Capable of ludicrous guitar solos as well as possessing one of the most dexterous male vocal ranges, Prince would certainly offer a kaleidoscopic spectacle but he packs such a dizzying array of tunes to ensure Prince’s performance could be amongst the most all-round stunning Pyramid stage jaunts yet.

OutKast

 Big Boi
Big Boi of Outkast

Ever since Jay Z put up two proverbial fingers to the Gallagher brothers in 2008, the doors have been flung open for hip-hop acts to tackle headline slots usually reserved for the likes of white male guitar bands in Coldplay and U2. The newly reformed OutKast would have presented the perfect continuation of Glastonbury’s newfound adoration for hip-hop. Andre 3000 and Big Boi posit the perfect balance of universally celebrated pop hits in ‘Hey Ya’ and ‘Ms Jackson’ whilst sporting enough boom-bap beats to keep the hip-hop purists happy. No other hip-hop troupe can bring the party quite like Outkast and their joyous collision of Technicolor psychedelia and beat-centric funk stomp. Drawing from a lineage of black music that stretches back to Sly And The Family Stone and James Brown, OutKast’s ability to get vast human diasporas on their feet and grooving in an euphoric mass is their bread and butter. With tracks from their nineties releases still sounding as fresh and vital today as they did at the time of release, OutKast would be a booking sure to spread irresistible good-time vibes.       

Oasis

Liam Gallagher
Liam's Beady Eye project has achieved nowhere near the success of Oasis

Their name may be bandied about as a strong Glastonbury rumour on an annual basis, yet an Oasis appearance in 2014 would have been a fitting return for the Gallagher’s, if only they could put aside their infamous sibling differences for the mutual benefit of a whopping great pay check. Exactly twenty years since the release of Definitely Maybe, an Oasis headline appearance would be a sure-fire nostalgia trip- a celebration not only of their enduring legacy, but of the Britpop movement they helmed alongside Blur, Pulp and Suede. However, it seems uniting the Gallagher brothers on the same stage will be nothing short of a miracle at present, given the frequency with which the duo (but mainly Liam) unleash tirades denouncing the other as false. But with Liam’s current musical muse in Beady Eye failing to garner the success he had predicted in such hyperbolic terms, an Oasis reunion would reinstall the brothers Gallagher as figureheads for Britain’s last great Cultural Revolution, rather than status as washed-up has-beens they are otherwise edging ever closer towards.           

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus
Miley's 'Bangerz' has been derided by many as peurile and juvenile  

Brattish, puerile and unapologetically juvenile, Miley Cyrus would act as a shot in the arm to the often stuffy and conservative Glastonbury roster. Her antics are sure to instigate a thoroughly polarizing effect- some will love her suggested fellating of a Bill Clinton lookalike, whilst others will dismiss her as a loathsome hyper-sexualized Hollywood casualty. Yet whatever the opinion, a booking of the ‘Wrecking Ball’ singer would be sure to generate one essential facet of publicity: controversy. In comparison, Metallica’s appointment as headliner is far from controversial. Rather, it is a logical decision and one that is hugely predictable. A Cyrus headlining position would operate in a similar fashion to that of Jay Z in 2008- stewing the old Glasto fuddy-duddy’s into a state of irate belligerence and usurping the status quo.

Kanye West

Kanye West
Kanye would be only the second hip hop artist to headline Glasto

In 2008, the disputed King of hip-hop slayed Glastonbury with an aggressive set of big budget hip hop bangers. Not it is time for the genre’s joker to prowl the Pyramid stage. Despite his Messiah complex, position as one of reality TV and the tabloid press’ greatest muses and the colossal ego, Kanye West actually continues to make experimental hip hop for a commercial audience- flummoxing many in the process. Critically though, despite all the baggage that one associates with the gargantuan pop culture personality, Kanye produces some truly edifying music and commands a loyal following that, although far from believing he is the second coming of Jesus, recognise that beneath the eccentric and immensely arrogant façade is a true artist and perhaps even- a genius. With an extensive back catalogue in tow that includes vast successes in the realms of hip hop and mainstream culture, Kanye carries a cultural weight that puts even legacy of Metallica to shame. No doubt if Kanye was afforded a Glasto headline slot, the audience would be in the palm of his hand from the get-go.