Shawn Williamson

Shawn Williamson

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Postal Review


Terrible
Uwe Boll is not Satan. Nor is he Beelzebub, Scratch, the Prince of Darkness, or even Petey Wheatstraw. Boll is just a fanatic with a lunatic mission -- to bring cinematic versions of disruptive, low-rent video games (BloodRayne, House of the Dead) to movie screens and, in due course, to bargain DVD bins in Walmartopia department stores around the world. Boll's misbegotten passion can be seen in every frame of his video game aggrandizements, and like Peter Lorre in M, he can't help it.

His new film, Postal, starts off in high octane farcical mode, as two terrorists, United 93 style, have taken over the control of a jet en route to martyrdom, and are disagreeing whether they were told that 100 or 99 virgins will await them in the afterlife. Putting in a call to Osama bin Laden to find out the exact number of virgins, the boys are informed that the number of virgins has been reduced to 10 per recruit because, with all the martyrs signing up, there are not enough virgins to go around. With that, the terrorists decide to forget the whole thing and take the plane to the Bahamas. At that point, the passengers burst in and send the plane crashing. Cut to a window washer on the side of a World Trade Center tower looking over his shoulder as a plane approaches behind him and crashes into the building. Here Boll positions the Postal as a masterpiece of bad taste, sending up the post-9/11 landscape, debunking the purloining of horrific events by politicians and the media for patriotic and political chicanery.

Continue reading: Postal Review

White Noise Review


Unbearable
White Noise is predicated on an intriguing process called Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP) where the dead contact the living through televisions, telephones, and radios. Some may think it's ridiculous, but EVP has long been a fascination for ghost researchers. It's also been the basis for some of the creepiest and most disturbing horror movies ever made, like The Ring and Poltergeist. But with White Noise, we receive mixed signals and a new broadcast that becomes a boring waiting game for the thrills to begin.

Michael Keaton is Jonathan Rivers, a successful architect and loving husband to his pregnant novelist wife Anna (Chandra West) and father to his son Mike (Nicholas Elia), from a previous marriage. After Anna's sudden disappearance and subsequent death, a man named Raymond Price (Ian McNeice) contacts Jonathan claiming he's been receiving messages from Anna on the other side. Desperate to be connected once again with his wife, Jonathan begins a dangerous obsession with EVP.

Continue reading: White Noise Review

Heart of America Review


Grim
You say Heart of America. I think Disney, helicopter shops of forest rangers, Imax, maybe 3-D, maybe some fireworks.

You say a thinly-veiled fictionalization of the Columbine massacre. I say directed by Uwe Boll (He'll make four movies based on video games from 2003 to 2006.)

Continue reading: Heart of America Review

House of the Dead Review


Unbearable
I've seen a lot of bad movies in my short career as a movie critic, but the video-game-inspired House of the Dead poses a new challenge. I feel a typical review would do little or no good. You've seen the commercials with a bunch of young people firing endless rounds into zombies. Well, that's the movie, minus DMX's rapping. Sure, there are a couple of bare breasts here and there, but what you see in those 90-second spots is what's waiting for you at the multiplex.

There's nothing of substance to discuss. All I have is a lot of hatred welling inside of me. So, I figured a timeline would work, that way I can see what went wrong. I didn't have a watch on me at the screening, but I figured since time passed so slowly, my estimates are pretty accurate

Continue reading: House of the Dead Review

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