Tyrion is about 1000% done with his family. Luckily, Jaime steps in on time.
Everything is out in the open on this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. Do we even need to say this anymore? Spoilers ahead. So many spoilers. The show has been building up to Tyrion’s trial since the Purple Wedding and this episode did not disappoint. Tyrion was steadfast as witness after witness testified against him. Cercei, a mother scorned, was particularly vicious. Even Varys gives witness against the youngest Lannister sibling.
Tyrion Lannister is 1000% done with you, Westeros.
Tyrion, of course, answers the accusations with abundant quantities of sass, matched only by Oberyn Martell, who looks like he could not care less about the trial. Which, given that all he wants is the Lannisters wiped from the face of the earth, isn’t that hard to believe. But sass won’t save the Imp, whom everybody wants to get rid of now – everybody except Jaime that is. With Tyrion’s life in peril, Jaime makes a deal with Father of the Year Tywin – let lil’ bro off the hook and Jaime will give up his King’s Guard vow of celibacy and move somewhere with a nice, unrelated to him noblewoman and make pretty golden-haired babies. It’s a pretty drastic step for Jaime – not only because he will have to move away from Cercei, but also because the new and improved Jaime Lannister is apparently really into keeping his vows.
All seems well until Shae (Tyrion's ex-lover) gives a particularly disheartening testimony. She lies boldly about a plan between Sansa and Tyrion to kill Joffrey. We trusted you, Shae! Her utter betrayal causes Tyrion to snap and drop the biggest truth bomb this series has seen.
"I did not do it. I did not kill Joffrey but I wish that I had. Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores," he says.
"I wish I was the monster you think I am. I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it."
He tells his father he is not on trial for the death of Joffrey. He is on trial for being a dwarf. Seeing that he won't get justice in the courtroom, he requests a trial by combat. Well now, that might have been a step too far. We won’t know until next week though.
Wonder if Stannis has any chalises with "Westeros' No1 Dad" written on them. Probably not.
Elsewhere, Daenerys and Stannis (separately) are dealing with administration. Daenerys, having decided that she needs to learn how to rule, thus making half the fandom instantly lose interest. But at least our little blonde-haired dictator is trying to be a good leader.
While all this is going on, Yara Greyjoy invades the Dreadfort in an attempt to rescue her brother Theon. Unfortunately, as we know from a particularly disturbing sequence earlier in the season, Theon has left the building. So Reek, as he now calls himself, refuses to leave with his big sis. After a fight breaks out with the sadistic Ramsay, Yara finally gives up. She says her brother is dead. For his good work, Ramsay gives Theon a warm bath and asks for a favor: Can Reek pretend to be Theon Greyjoy? Err… what just happened now?
Meanwhile, Daenerys is just trying to do right by her new subjects.
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