Midnight Crossing Movie Review

A modern-day pirate movie?

Yes, sadly, and that means we have a glaucoma victim (Faye Dunaway), an grubby fat man (Ned Beatty), and a garden-variety hussy (Kim Cattrall, proving that you can work a single hairdo for 15 years, no problem) on a little sailboat in search of money hidden in Cuba during the Bay of Pigs.

The Goonies is more thrilling.

With limp dialogue (delivered with as much credibility as Iraqi "we have no weapons" disclaimers) and a just plain dumb premise, Midnight Crossing floats for barely a minute before sinking to the bottom of the Caribbean. The film of course culminates with infighting over the treasure, and the subsequent gun battle goes on for about 20 minutes (and seemingly includes about 30 bullets in one revolver). Sadly, none of the geriatrics seem able to be killed. They keep coming back from near-death, all the way to the very end.

This has the bonus effect of making the film absolutely nonsensical, but don't take that to mean it'll make you actually think about it.