My Boss's Daughter Movie Review

There are many mysteries to be solved in this world. Who really killed JFK? How the hell do you mix up "Al Gore" and "George Bush" on a ballot? In what world does a man who looks like the inbred son of goofy and has the haircut of a hangover become a teen heartthrob? Oh yeah, and why the hell did this movie ever get off the shelf it had been sitting on for two years to ruin what was otherwise a perfectly good day of mine?

To add to that selection of mysteries, we could easily tack on what the hell My Boss's Daughter is about (except third-grade grammatical screw-ups). Seriously. About an hour after I got out of the theatre I was attempting to warn some girl about the dangers of seeing this movie and, in the process, realized that I still don't know of a single shred of the movie that makes sense.

This is what I've put together so far: Tom (Ashton Kutcher) has a bad job but, for once in Kutcher's career, a decent haircut. He likes the boss' daughter (Tara Reid) and hates the boss (Terence Stamp). But rather than go the Old School route and use the daughter for sex, he decides to housesit for her father. Somehow, this involves taking care of an owl with a cocaine habit, screwing up a drug deal, whacking a potential whacker, and dealing with a psychotic laid-off secretary (Molly Shannon). Oh yeah, and somewhere in there he gives Carmen Electra a breast exam.

Yep. That's right. It makes no sense. This is the perfect example why you should really bounce ideas off of people who aren't stoned. My Boss's Daughter has all the plotline of a cheap sitcom and none of the panache to go with it. It's like watching the sitcom spin-offs of Seinfeld for an hour and a half without commercial interruption -- nothing makes sense, everything goes wrong, and it all comes together in the end in a happy-go-lucky stupid movie montage sort of way.

This is the time for Hollywood execs to start test-screening scripts so it doesn't waste the millions involved in movie making. It's the time for them to realize that just because a movie has sat on the shelf for two years doesn't mean it will age like wine (in truth movie vaults are more like your fridge -- go away for two weeks and everything gets gross, old, and moldy). Most of all it's time for me to go. It's bad enough that I had to waste 90 minutes of my life on a movie with no plot, no laughs, and no fun -- but I had to waste another half an hour of my time writing this review. It's time for me to go, get on with my life, and pray to god that a bout of amnesia hits me so that I forget all about this stupid movie.

DVD special features include outtakes and Tara Reid's audition footage. There's also one deleted scene of sorts (you'll find it in a hidden selection on the Special Features menu).

Ashton, you just got punk'd.