Miss March Movie Review

Written, directed, and starring Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger, 2/5ths of the sketch comedy group The Whitest Kids U Know, Miss March chronicles both one man's lifetime infatuation with Playboy magazine and another man's apprehensive four-year attempt to lose his virginity to his girlfriend. The former, Tucker (Moore), has been obsessed with the cultural implications of the high-end porn mag since he first got a glimpse of one of the Pamela Anderson issues. The best friend is Eugene (Cregger), a high-school student who doubles as an abstinence lecturer. Along with his devout girlfriend Cindi (Raquel Alessi), Eugene recounts how his brother had sex and then had "retard babies" that later went on to burn down his house and kill his mother. The tirade is accompanied by projections of Syphilis-infected no-no areas.

With prom around the corner, Cindi insists that since they are so totally made for each other they should go all the way. At the behest of Tucker, Eugene gets hammered and before he can go upstairs and enjoy the best eight seconds of his life-to-date, he falls down the stairs and lands a coma for four years. Awakened by a medical advent called "The Bat Trick," which consists of Tucker hitting him in the face with a Louisville Slugger, Eugene comes to find that Cindi is now a Playboy Playmate. Serendipitously, the upcoming weekend offers a chance for all the Playmates to converge on the Playboy Mansion, and the two friends take to the road while also evading Tucker's epileptic girlfriend (Molly Stanton).

The mutant offspring of the Farrelly brothers on autopilot and a bad Jim Carrey impersonator, Miss March is a disaster, even by normal comedy standards. Blindly stumbling through diarrhea jokes, cock-biting gags, and some incomprehensible hatred for firefighters, Moore and Cregger have fashioned together a few dozen sketches that didn't work during rehearsals into a deeply unfunny 89-minutes that takes the long way to ultimately assert that Hugh Hefner is God. That is yet to be seen, but for whatever love the film shows Mr. Hefner and his Playboy empire, it is a film that is absolutely petrified of sex and uses its R rating as perhaps an eight-year-old would: to drop the F-bomb constantly and to show poop.

A note of sadness: The film also stars Craig Robinson, the immensely talented comedian who added a helpful kick to both Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Pineapple Express last year. Robinson plays a rapper named Horsedick.mpeg that helps the protagonists reach the Mansion, a man whose songs consist of him saying "I'm a fuck a white bitch" over and over. It takes a special sort of film to sanitize such a talent, but Miss March pulls it off in rare form. A fantasy realm where lesbians can unlock doors with their tongues and firemen can perform public executions, the film revels in the wisdom of Hef: "Every girl has a Playmate inside her." Fortune-cookie misogyny aside, this lazy and abhorrent exercise in cursing lays its fate on another erroneous belief: that every guy who can tell a joke has a comedian inside him.

It happens, OK?