Immortals Movie Review

Like 300 on acid, this outrageously violent Greek mythology epic bludgeons us into submission as we become increasingly frustrated by the flaky plot, thin characters and incoherent craziness. But it's so amazingly designed that we can't look away.

Theseus (Cavill) is a peasant being groomed for greatness by the god Zeus (Evans, or Hurt in human guise). And Greece needs him, because the mad King Hyperion (Rourke) is on the rampage looking for the all-powerful Epirus Bow so he can release the imprisoned titans and kill the gods. But Theseus will need the help of virginal seer Phaedra (Pinto) and slave sidekick Stavros (Dorff), because the gods are forbidden from intervening.

Like Clash of the Titans, the title is a misnomer, as no one is actually immortal, including the gods. Instead, immortality means living on through the generations because of your heroism. But then, the script isn't bothered with anything beyond positioning its characters for big action sequences. And even those have been written with no sense of logic. So what we're left with is the guilty pleasure of watching hot, near-naked hot men and women flexing their muscles.

And there are also plenty of hilariously inspired moments, thanks to director Tarsem's obsession with achingly cool production design. While the epic vistas look like bad oil paintings, the sets and costumes are seriously eye-popping, and the battle scenes are loaded with astonishing details that will provide hours of after-film revelry (my personal favourite was the falling ear of doom).

The cast members have little to do beyond shouting or growling the faux Shakespearean dialog and then leaping into the slow-motion fray. Character interaction is defined by a few "meaningful" glances and perhaps a line about loyalty or family. Theseus' romance with Phaedra basically takes place because she's desperate to get rid of her pesky virginity.

Yes, that's about as complex as things get. Solid actors like Hurt add a bit of pathos, while Rourke at least adds brio in his maniacal role. Cavill, Evans, Dorff and Lutz (as Poseidon) do what they can with characters who are defined by flesh-revealing costumes and pre-determined goodness. And in the end, the film is almost breathtakingly pointless. But it sure looks good.