Conan The Barbarian Movie Review

With a complete lack of self-awareness, this po-faced remake looks more like a trash-TV series (a la Spartacus or Camelot) than a proper movie. Mainly because the filmmakers continually opt for gratuitous gore rather than actual storytelling.

Born in battle, Conan (Howard, then Momoa) is set on vengeance. His people, the Cimmerians, were slaughtered by the evil Khalar Zym (Lang), who was looking for the barbarian-held pieces to a mythical all-powerful mask. Once the mask is reassembled, Khalar Zym and his fiendish daughter Marique (McGowan) need a pure-blood of Acheron to activate it and, as luck would have it, the last one is hot babe Tamara (Nichols). So of course Conan and Tamara team up to fight off the villains and save the pre-historic world.

The first act is narrated by Morgan Freeman (who else?), who generously explains the back-story as if it makes sense. But the filmmakers merrily ignore continuity and logic, pasting the script together with action/effects sequences every few minutes, whether or not the story requires them. One early scene should actually be the finale, but everyone inexplicably escapes to fight another day. And the climactic battle with a tentacled beast is utterly superfluous.

In other words, this is lazy filmmaking, so there isn't a single moment of tension. And the tired cliches and stale formula make it both dull and pointless. With little on-screen personality, Momoa's thunderous physicality at least holds our interest, as does the over-groomed Nichols and shameless scene-chompers Lang and McGowan. Frankly, there isn't nearly enough Perlman (as Conan's dad) or Taghmaoui (as his sparky sidekick).

But the real problem is that it's so over-serious that it's no fun. The hyperbolic blood and gore is neither amusing nor horrific. A scene of father-son bonding through sword-forging never winks at its innate corniness.

Lines like "I love, I love, I slay" are spoken with a straight face. And Marique's Freddy-Kruger talons are a step too far from the director who so tepidly remade Friday the 13th. In the end, it's not much more than another forgettable Hollywood marketing exercise.


Conan The Barbarian Rating

" Grim "

Rating: 15, 2011


More Jason Momoa

Jason Momoa's 'Game Of Thrones' Audition Tape Goes Viral [Video]

At this point, almost everyone has wondered what it takes to get in to Emmy Award-winning HBO show, 'Game of Thrones'. On the one hand,...

Scoot McNairy As The Flash? Green Socks Could Be 'Batman v Superman' Plot Clue

With Ben Affleck as Batman, Henry Cavill as Superman and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman all making solid appearances in 2016's 'Batman v Superman' movie,...

First Look At "Dawn Of Justice" Superman Is Less Exciting Than It Should Be

Hello, remember that ill-advised attempt at a Justice League franchise Warner Bros. is still pushing at? If so, then you may be interested in seeing...

A Week In News: Critics Choose, Morgan Improves, Harrison Bruised, Kanye Booed, Zoinks Scoob!

Critics' Choice Awards: Last night's Critics' Choice Awards saw the year's best and brightest in television honoured for outstanding performances and shows. Dark humoured crime...


Jason Momoa Is Aquaman! But What Do We Know About The DC Superhero?

We may know him best as Khal Drogo in ‘Game of Thrones’, but Jason Momoa’s latest role sees him cast as one of DC’s most...

Jason Momoa For Aquaman Role: Why The 'Game Of Thrones' Actor Is A Perfect Choice

Jason Momoa is set to play Aquaman in Zack Snyder's upcoming Justice League movie, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, if reports are to be...

It's Official! Jason Momoa Will Be Warner Bros.' Aquaman In "Batman Vs. Superman"

It has been confirmed: DC now has its Aquaman and it’s none other than Jason Momoa. The news that Momoa will play the DC Comics...

Jason Momoa To Play Aquaman in ‘Batman vs Superman’ (Just like Vinnie Chase)

Jason Momoa has been cast as Aquaman in the hugely anticipated Man of Steel sequel Batman vs Superman: Dawn of the Justice, according to the...