Catwoman Movie Review

After Catwoman, I feel I've learned a lot about the furry beasts. For instance, did you know most cats are amazing martial artists? Or have C cups? Or have an innate sense of style that makes them be able to go from the last girl in New York that can't match her clothes to a magazine model? Or have the self-confidence to let them look and act like they're auditioning for Showgirls? It's all true!

Catwoman is the result of four actors without a leg to stand on, three lonely writers with an unhealthy obsession over leather and cats, and one director with a problematic penchant for photogrammetry.

Halle Berry is Patience Phillips, frumpy artist and graphic designer on the campaign for a revolutionary new anti-aging agent. On her first big design for the evil makeup company, the CEO (Lambert Wilson) says he doesn't like a shade of red and so he gives her a midnight deadline with a new design. Because nobody in the office has ever heard of e-mail or FedEx, Patience has to track down the head of the company in a dark chemical plant on the East River, where she just happens to find out that the miracle cure for aging is physically addictive, gives headaches, makes skin as strong as stone, and transforms your face into a prototype for the next version of Cher if you ever happen to quit taking it. Of course Patience panics, gets found out, and ends up drowned in the East River, only to be given mouth-to-mouth by a 4,000-year-old possessed cat.

Sadly, that's really the plot, and it actually gets worse from there.

Catwoman is one of those movies that's so utterly bad you can have fun chuckling about it for days on end. It's a disturbed mix and match of every superhero movie from the last four years (with a smaller budget). Catwoman has the cheesy camera tricks of Hulk and a shabby CG version of the building hopping of Spider-Man. It has the fetish gear of a Bettie Page photo shoot. It has acting that makes Showgirls look like naked Shakespeare. It's about as phony as a Presidential photo op.

I could do this all day.

The writers behind this movie all need girlfriends. Badly. They also need to talk to a feminist for a few hours. They play the pop-empowerment angle by trying to play off Patience/Catwoman as a virgin/whore dichotomy. They wax philosophical with the token upbeat fat girl (Alex Borstein) talking about being yourself and having beauty from within, but Berry only becomes sexy after she switches hair, clothes, and makeup. They try to play the "aging is ok" card with Sharon Stone's appearance as a spurned model, but then turn and play her as a spinster and corporate goon.

The most amazing part of Catwoman is how absolutely fake it feels. Every four seconds there's a camera trick, every 20 seconds there's a cat joke, and about every minute or so is a scene stolen from a better movie. The movie has a momentum of a square wheel. In each and every action scene director Pitof (yes, Pitof) simply stops and cuts away to a romance scene, which just stops and turns into a bad T&A scene, and then turns into a dumb period of pseudo-empowerment.

The only real redeeming quality of Catwoman is the cheap summer camp value. In fact, Catwoman is so bad that I actually recommend you see it. It's the movie you and your friends will rip on all summer long.

On DVD the schadenfreude continues, with an alternate ending and deleted scenes, plus two making-of documentaries. No apolgies are included.

Memo to Halle: Your underpants are on wrong.


Comments

maykılof's picture

maykılof

hello sharon am maykıl turkey merzifon love you

6 years 12 months ago
Report
View Comments

Catwoman Rating

" Terrible "

Rating: PG-13, 2004

Advertisement

Editors Recommendations

Fairytales Come to Life in the First Trailer for Disney's Into The Woods

Cinemas are set to get a whole lot more magical this winter with the...

Fairytales Come to Life in the First Trailer for Disney's Into The Woods

Chadwick Boseman Faced A Challenge With James Brown Portrayal, Will He Reap The Benefits Come Awards Season?

The reviews are in – Chadwick Boseman makes a star turn as James Brown...

Chadwick Boseman Faced A Challenge With James Brown Portrayal, Will He Reap The Benefits Come Awards Season?

Lorde Given Complete Control Over New 'Hunger Games' Soundtrack

More great news for fans of the Hunger Games films! Following the recent...

Lorde Given Complete Control Over New 'Hunger Games' Soundtrack

Is Jamie Foxx About to Play Mike Tyson?

According to Variety, Jamie Foxx is to star as Kid Dynamite himself...

Is Jamie Foxx About to Play Mike Tyson?

Vin Diesel Sings Sam Smith's 'Stay With Me'

During the seemingly never-ending Guardians of the Galaxy press tour, Diesel took a moment...

Vin Diesel Sings Sam Smith's 'Stay With Me'

Horns - International Trailer

Following the vicious rape and murder of his girlfriend Merrin Williams, Ig Perrish goes on a grief-ridden...

Horns Trailer
Advertisement

Stephen Colbert Explains Orlando Bloom vs Justin Bieber Fight, Hilarity Ensues

Can't make sense of the latest fued to hit Hollywood? Well, never fear...

Stephen Colbert Explains Orlando Bloom vs Justin Bieber Fight, Hilarity Ensues

"Sharknado 2: The Second One" Causes Full-Scale Tweetnado

Today in “how is this even happening” news, Sharknado 2 made a killing with its ratings...

Tara Reid -

Behaving Badly Review

For a comedy that so desperately wants to be rude and sexy, this movie is remarkably timid. It does a great...

Behaving Badly Movie Review


More recommendations

Advertisement