Beaches Movie Review

In the history of men going to the movies, there are few horrors as singularly terrifying as the movie Beaches. With its combination of precious tragicomedy plot, copious singing, and Bette Midler, the horror trifecta is already complete. But there's plenty more: Not only is Midler heard here singing about her tits (her words), Mayim "Blossom" Bialik plays the 11-year-old version of brazen Bette. Chills don't get much colder than this.

Watching the 1989 movie today, it's not just an unabashed chick flick, it's also revealed as a plain-old Bad Movie. For starters, it's not really about anything, instead preferring to work (or not) as a collection of loose scenes that illustrate the ups and downs of two friends (Midler and Barbara Hershey) from their pre-teens to the grave. Things happen, but not much. The film's only real plot point comes in the last act (spoilers ahead if you care), when Hershey's character croaks on us, sticking Midler with her daughter.

Midler has never been my cup of tea, but her histrionics here are almost completely intolerable. (Isn't She Great runs a close second.) Strutting around like she owns the joint, the "look at me!" act wears thin, quickly. In fact, it's pretty much worn out by Bialik's dead-on impersonation before Midler appears in the film at all.

Even Barbara Hershey (remember how famous she was supposed to become after this film?) is on the grating side. Rather than establish her legacy as a serious actress, the film stands as a testament to the creepiness of collagen lip injections, which she pioneered during the movie. She's a trailblazer, folks!

And what about that movie, anyway? Beaches is supposed to be about how true friendship is eternal -- that if you die, you'll always have somebody to take care of your illegitimate child. Hell, the way we see it Hershey would have been better off dumping her pal CC at age 11. Good ridddance.

The new Special Edition DVD includes commentary from director Garry Marshall, bloopers, a video, and, gulp, "Mayim Bialik Remembers..." (exactly what it sounds like).

The wind beneath her wings -- so, like, she's beating down on you with her wings?