Baby Geniuses Movie Review

"Baby Geniuses" doesn't waste any time gettingstupid. The first scene is a bunch of bozo Orwellian security guards beingkarate-chopped to a pulp by a brainiac toddler who is trying to escapethe lab of an evil scientist.

The evil scientist is Christopher Lloyd, forever lit frombelow to make his worn-out elastic face look sinister. His evil boss isan Ivana-ized Kathleen Turner, in what has to be the most embarrassingrole of her tail-spinning career, as the scenery-chewing CEO of Baby Co.,a kiddie product conglomerate that is secretly experimenting on babiesto discover if they know the secrets of the universe.

Don't ask.

Exactly what she plans to do with these baby geniuses whenshe figures out how they tick isn't quite clear, except that she wantsto make a mint selling her sterile, industrial-military child-rearing techniques.

The plot revolves around twin babies Sly and Whit, oneof whom is being raised in the lab (but escapes, of course) while the othergrows up in the "normal" environment of an over-run day-carecenter operated by Turner's unsuspecting, well-adjusted niece and her childpsychologist husband (Kim Catrall and Peter MacNicol).

Turner and MacNicol have competing theories about how babytalk may be a language unto itself and how kids are born knowing everythingbut get dumb when they turn two.

The gimmick is that we get to see this alleged omnisciencein action, manifested as smart-assed voice overs given to the little ones,whose mouths sync up by way of computer effects. It's "Look Who'sTalking" gone horribly, horribly wrong.

An embarrassment from start to finish "Baby Geniuses"is little more than a predictable progression of under-rehearsed and unoriginal,idiotic stock scenes age-adjusted for the baby theme, and the writing couldn'tbe sloppier.

Full of expository dialogue, in the movie's second sceneLloyd actually asks his computer to explain the history of his infant experimentsout loud. Other spoken stinker include tyrannical Turner making the unmistakablecall of the frustrated generic nefarian "You idiots! You morons! Youimbeciles!" to her henchmen.

Full of ludicrous plotting, in one scene a diaper servicedriver actually stops by the command center of Tuner's new amusement parkto see if the technicians have any dirty diapers. Why would they?

Of course, the genius twin must escape and be accidentallyswitched for his brother. Of course, the creepy automatons at Turner'skiddie amusement park will inevitably go on a rampage. Of course, thatrampage is timed to coincide with a showdown between the babies and thebaddies.

And, of course, if you've read this far and you're stillnot convinced this movie sucks, I'm wasting my time, so I'm done.


Baby Geniuses Rating

" Zero "

Rating: PG, Friday, March 12, 1999


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