Alone In The Dark Movie Review

Playing the most laughable hottie scientist since nuclear-physicist Denise Richards in "The World Is Not Enough," Tara Reid -- Hollywood's poster tart for partying hardy and bad breast implants -- produces one of the defining moments in the utterly inept supernatural action-horror flick "Alone in the Dark."

She's supposed to be a gifted archeologist specializing in rare Native American artifacts -- which when pieced together could open a portal to a monster-spewing parallel world -- yet as she catalogs these objects, she notes that one of them was discovered in "New Found Land."

Her snicker-inducing mispronunciation of the Canadian province clearly demonstrates that 1) Reid is anything but an educated scientist, 2) German director Uwe Boll hasn't learned English well enough to direct a movie in English, and 3) no one else involved with this picture cared enough to say "It's one word, pronounced noo-fhund-lund, you bimbo."

So hilariously bad that it's actually entertaining for about an hour, "Alone in the Dark" begins with an excessively lengthy on-screen scroll of backstory (read aloud by an echoing, ominously deep voice) about super-advanced lost civilizations, an ancient key that unlocks the "world of darkness," and Bureau 713, a secret government agency of bad actors in tight tank tops and backwards baseball caps that fights paranormal incursions into our "world of light."

Next we meet Christian Slater, squinting his way through his role as a nightmare-beset ex-agent of Bureau 713 who has struck out on his own, trying to discover why all the kids he grew up with at an orphanage in the 1970s have turned into zombies -- and the movie is all downhill from there.

Director Boll ("House of the Dead") -- a latter-day Ed Wood who fancies himself a cross between action-sytlish John Woo and B-movie horror-ific John Carpenter -- slaps the contrived, convoluted story together with third-rate dinner-theater actors, fourth-rate props (the Indian artifacts look like a 5th-grade art project), conspicuously sloppy stunts, $8 car chases, wildly swinging steady-cam shots and fashionably choppy editing, all set to a head-banging, screaming-vocalist Goth-grind soundtrack. He also ravages ideas from "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "Alien" (the dripping jowls of the portal monsters), "Hellboy" (the monsters' generic-CGI design), "The Relic," and at least a dozen other gateway-to-hell genre movies.

But despite all the unintended laughs that keep "Alone" entertaining in its first cliché-riddled hour, Boll manages to let the movie get even worse -- by letting it get boring. He turns his attention to a gratuitous sex scene (without even taking advantage of his R-rating), or Slater's testosterone-fueled rivalry with the scowling, sexy-scruffy head of Bureau 713 (scenery-chomping Stephen Dorff), or a shootout sequence that is literally nothing but a montage of machine-gun muzzle flashes set to music. By the time the painfully nonsensical, monster-battling climax rolls around -- in a secret underground lab hidden in the bowels of an abandoned gold mine -- all the popcorn-throwing entertainment value has been sucked out of this eye-roller.

In the end, the movie is left with the same paltry elements it had at the beginning: Christian Slater desperate for a paycheck, Barbie-doll-blank Tara Reid trying to look intellectual by wearing heavy, black, "smart chick" glasses, an insipid oft-regurgitated plot from a paint-by-numbers screenplay, and a director who puts it all together like a cheap video game.

Comments

Bruce Darren Acosta's picture

Bruce Darren Acosta

ALONE IN THE DARK.The movie version of the computer game Alone in the Dark stars Christian Slater,Tara Reid and Stephen Droff in this action thiller follows the plot of Edward Carnby and Aline slove the problem on the supernatural beings of the Abkani.The acting is bad and the special effects is awful,cheesy plot and bad direction of Uwe Boll's work.Alone in the Dark fails with other worst video game movies such as House of the Dead and Doom. BRUCE ACOSTAAUSTRALIA.

8 years 2 months ago
Report
View Comments

Alone In The Dark Rating

" Zero "

Rating: R, WIDE: Friday, January 28, 2005

Advertisement

More Christian Slater

'Heathers' Musical Fails To Recapture Majesty of Movie Original

With Idina Menzel's 'If/Then' scoring strong reviews following its opening on Broadway this week, the pressure was on Laurence O'Keefe and Kevin Murphy's Heathers to...

Christian Slater's 'Mind Games' Cancelled, Replaced by 'Wife Swap'

ABC have ruthlessly axed Christian Slater's Mind Games midseason after low rated airings. For the next two weeks, the network will use the Tuesday 10pm...

The Mythological Production of Lars von Trier's 'Nymphomaniac'

Lars von Trier’s latest film Nymphomaniac has been getting everyone hot under the collar since before any actual filming even began. Written and directed by...

Nymphomaniac: Volume II Trailer

Joe is a fiercely determined 50-year-old woman whose sexual drive has taken over her entire life. Her story of how she ended up injured in...

Advertisement

Nymphomaniac: Volume 1 Trailer

Joe has always known she's been completely obsessed with sex ever since she was a young girl. Her excessive desires would see her meet man...

Nymphomaniac Movie Review

At four hours long, this drama is as confrontational as anything we've seen by Lars von Trier (Melancholia), but it's also perhaps his most humane...

Forget Shia LaBeouf's Diva Act, 'Nymphomaniac' Is A Runaway Berlin Hit [Trailer + Pictures]

Lars Von Trier's controversial new movie Nymphomaniac has gone down a storm with critics after having premiered at the Berlin Film Festival. However, cast member...

Seagulls, Sardines And Paper Bags - Is Shia LaBeouf Pulling A Lady Gaga?

Given Shia LaBeouf’s recent antics, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the man is a bit... err… eccentric. He’s also very self aware though, just...

Advertisement