If Quentin Tarantino were to make a B-monster movie, triple its audacity and you'd have Feast 3. It's hard to believe that the film actually features a scene in which a snarling monster stabs a man with a massive erect penis and ejaculates into him until his body bursts into a gooey mess... a monster whose testicles are so large that they smash into the camera as it lumbers by. And yet it does.
Continue reading: Feast 3: The Happy Finish Review
Mass murderers often generate a typical refrain about their "quietness," but no one says such a thing in the middle of their invariably bloody rampages. Here, Christian Slater is aptly cast as a wallflower who's burning with rage on the inside. The catch is that when the appointed hour for Bob Maconel's cubicle killing spree to begin arrives, he's beaten to the punch by another guy who's already killed off half the office. In a split-second, though, Bob chooses to use his own handgun to off the killer, sparing the life of the one girl, Vanessa (Elisha Cuthbert), whom he'd planned to spare.
Continue reading: He Was A Quiet Man Review
It's a shame, too, because computer-centric horror is usually a good bet for ridiculousness. Here, the computer stuff isn't detailed enough to really bug the geeks; they'll be too busy pointing out how the movie's screenplay could be improved, and how Kristen Bell takes one of the most disappointing baths in horror history.
Continue reading: Pulse (2006) Review
Hellraiser #4 took place in outer space. Number 5 went straight to video.
Continue reading: Hellraiser: Hellseeker Review
Trekkies, the famous send-up of Star Trek culture, explored the Trekkie phenomenon in America. This time around, former cast member Crosby again savagely bites the hand that feeds her and turns her camera on European fans, who are just as crazy as the Americans. Highlights include a group of Germans making their own Trek movie -- complete with authentic-looking Enterprise bridge (at a cost of $20,000) -- plus Klingons playing miniature golf with their weapons, lots of kids dressed up in costume by their cruel parents, and a Brit who's turned his apartment into a spaceship (his bedroom has been converted into a transporter bay, so he sleeps on the floor.
Continue reading: Trekkies 2 Review
Mimic 2 isn't an embarrassing rental. It's about as good as any movie about a giant, mutant cockroach can be expected to be. There are a few entertaining moments, some neat scenery to enjoy, and Jon Polito and Edward Albert are both in it. If that last piece of information doesn't make you want run to the video store with heart-pounding glee, then I don't know what will.
Continue reading: Mimic 2 Review
Six films later, they're still at it, and they no longer bother to number the series (what with Children of the Corn 666 appearing two years ago, how do you follow that up?). This time out, poor Jamie (Claudette Mink) heads west in search of her missing grandma, only to discover the hotel she lived at is now overrun by children. You know... children of the corn. Powerful evil awakens -- in the form of corn -- Jamie fights it off.
Continue reading: Children Of The Corn: Revelation Review
'Smalls Change (Meditations Upon Ageing)' arrives in April.