Mark Gibson

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The Wild Review


Unbearable

You will not find a worse movie in Walt Disney's animated canon than The Wild. At the very least, the hyperactive abomination helps us understand why the once-mighty studio shelled out $7.4 billion to acquire Pixar Animation Studios earlier this year. Pixar is a proven hit factory, an imagination emporium responsible for the lucrative Toy Story adventures and the Oscar-winning superhero smash The Incredibles. If The Wild represents all that remains in Disney's think tank, it's now painfully clear that the Mouse House needs Pixar like a table needs legs.

Wild is a high-impact cartoon, the kind that catapults its characters head first into rocks, trees, and other animal's rear ends every time we expect a joke but are met with silence. Like its immediate predecessor, Chicken Little, this meaningless cartoon assumes kids will roar their approval so long as things move extremely fast, crash with teeth-shattering force, and pass gas. Parents lose twice - they must pay hard-earned cash to enter and then endure 90 minutes of noise.

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The In Crowd Review


Terrible
Cruel Intentions gets its first serious imitator in this tale of youth, insanity, betrayal, and hot chicks (with nary a brassiere among them!) in an ultra-exclusive resort in a Hamptons-like locale.

The story is sad and pathetic, unbelievable for more than a second to anyone with less than 45% alcohol in his or her blood stream. Lori Heuring "stars" as a mental hospital patient who, on the recommendation of her doctor, is released so she can work at the aforementioned resort for the summer -- in order to see how far she's coming along with her adjustment back into the world. Here she encounters all manner of nut-job rich kids, provoking the question of who's more insane, her or the people she is serving as a cabana girl?

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Lush Review


Weak
Never mind the spooky box cover image and creepy tagline, Lush is hardly the gothic melodrama its promotion tries to sell. And that's probably for the better, because as a dark thriller this movie isn't going to win many fans.

The story follows a washed-up golfer (Campbell Scott), fresh out of prison, who returns to his home town of New Orleans to get a fresh start. Soon enough he's wrapped up with a wealthy-yet-drunk lawyer (Jared Harris), who takes him from one socialite party to the next. But then the lawyer turns up missing, and most people suspect our ex-con hero has done away with him.

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Snow Dogs Review


Terrible
When I first saw the trailer for Snow Dogs in front of Monsters, Inc., I couldn't believe what I was seeing or hearing. Cuba Gooding Jr. as a dentist in Miami who inherits a house and a team of sled dogs in Alaska, and chooses to move there and make the best of things. It's all kind of a blur, but then there were a lot of shots of him being cold; him being a city "slicker" in the wilderness; and him screaming because he's either slipping, falling, being dragged, or being chased by some kind of animal. All the while, "Who Let the Dogs Out" plays over his screams.

I thought, "Man, how surreally bad." Comedian David Cross has a joke about how he keeps a list of great money making ideas he came up with while stoned. A kid's sled dog movie about a black dentist from Miami has to be one of them.

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Mark Gibson

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