Kristin Novak

Kristin Novak

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Death Tunnel Review


Terrible
In all my years of reviewing films I have rarely come across a movie which is quite as blatantly nonsensical as Death Tunnel. But Death Tunnel isn't just dumb, it's wantonly so. It doesn't have any desire to make sense, really. It's a ludicrous ripoff of Saw (good God, couldn't you have done better than that?), which uses a pathetic, phony, "based on a true story" setup to try to sell itself.

Now there probably is a rundown mental hospital in Kentucky, but that's about where the truth of Death Tunnel (oh God, that title) ends. As near as I can tell -- as the film not only makes no sense, it's told in flash-forward for the bulk of the movie) -- the film begins in a bar, as the five coeds with the largest breasts are recruited (or sort-of kidnapped) to participate in a game (or some kind of torture) in the aforementioned abandoned mental institution. The girls are knocked out, bound, and their faces covered with gas masks. When they wake up, they're in the hospital with unclear goals, though we presume they're supposed to escape. A voice over the intercom intones the film's catchphrase -- "five floors, five girls, five hours" -- which is somehow the basis for the movie.

Continue reading: Death Tunnel Review

Malibu Spring Break Review


Weak
It's barely a movie, but thank God Malibu Spring Break is aware of that fact and makes little pretense of being much more.

Never mind the story (it's spring break, co-eds descend on an uncle's house, plan a party, tease each other, and have some kind of bet), there's little more to this than the opportunity to see a bevy of busty beauties haltingly deliver their lines while they're frolicking in hot tubs, showers, the ocean, and wet t-shirt contests in and out of their tops and frequently in slow motion.

Continue reading: Malibu Spring Break Review

Kristin Novak

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