Why Stephen Colbert Should Recap All Celebrity Fights From Now Until Forever
Has Colbert been named a national treasure yet?
If there’s anything that can make the Orlando Bloom/Justin Bieber clash even mildly interesting, it’s a recap by Stephen Colbert. With his impeccable comedic timing and knack for original humour, Colbert’s recap sounds like your clueless uncle recapping the story and it’s the best thing. First of all, we should vote to appoint Colbert Official Celebrity Couple Nicknamer because he’s clearly years ahead of the rest of mainstream media in that department. Favorites include Musty Keebler, Jelustin Gobbler and Sorlena Blomez.
Petition to have Colbert name all celebrity couples from now until forever.
“Tensions were, of course, running high when late last night, in the no man’s land of Ibiza, Justin Bieber crossed into hostile territory by walking past Bloom’s table. Bloom deployed defensive measures when he refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Traumatized witnesses report that Bieber then launched a short-ranged, ballistic, ‘She was good.’ So, Bloom threw a punch at him.”
Ha. Ha. Ha. Colbert nails the level of seriousness that should be afforded to any celebrity feud that doesn’t cross over into civilian territory. Then the faux Republican pundit added his own opinion of the situation, which matches the general tone fairly well: “I do not condone this type of violence, because… Bloom missed Bieber’s face.”
Once again, Stephen Colbert speaks the Internet’s collective mind. And for that, we thank him.
Apparently Colbert is with Orlando Bloom on this one.