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Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Review


Terrible
The year is 1964 and the space race is underway. It's not unusual for producers of would-be "entertainments" of the time to make a quick buck by exploiting the public's fascination with whatever lies beyond the Earth's atmosphere - we have this same impulse to thank, in a roundabout way, for Plan 9 from Outer Space, a sterling example of crass, fly-by-night "filmmaking" that evolved into real entertainment in the decades thereafter. What makes Santa Claus Conquers the Martians unique is its marriage of the one surefire marketing hook - outer space - with that other, timeless one: Christmas. How could it miss?

Well, with whimsy this soulless, a better question becomes how could it hit? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians not only bombed in its day, it remains too grindingly stupid even to function as camp. (And it's a perennial entry in the Internet Movie Database's bottom 100 films as determined by its users.) Turns out you'll need more than Pia Zadora in her screen debut to guarantee an audience with the Mystery Science Theater crowd. (She plays a Martian child named Girmar, short for "girl Martian"; her brother is of course named Bomar, with Momar as Mommy Martian and Kimar for King.) The fact is that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just too stupid - not stupid in the Ed Wood way, but exasperatingly, tediously stupid - to view in a single sitting.

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