Joel Soisson

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Piranha 3DD Review


Unbearable
After the guilty-pleasure success of 2010's Piranha 3D, the quickly slapped-together trailer for this sequel looked like just as much fun. Sadly, more time and creativity was put into that teaser than the finished movie, which is a choppy, unfunny mess.

Maddy (Panabaker) is back home in Arizona from grad school, working in the water park she owns with her breast-obsessed stepdad Chet (Koechner). But after the Lake Victoria disaster, prehistoric piranhas have migrated here, drawn to the park's chlorine. After consulting with wild-haired expert Goodman (Lloyd), Maddy tries to avert disaster with the help of deputy Kyle (Zylka) and nice-guy Barry (Bush), who are rivals for her affections. But as the summer launch party nears, Chet refuses to close the park.

Continue reading: Piranha 3DD Review

Pulse (2006) Review


Terrible
Earlier in 2006, a killer videogame stalked teenagers in Stay Alive; Pulse ups the ante with ghostly wireless signals stalking college students. The latest J-horror remake never pitches itself over the top, refusing to pile on the jump-scares, fake-jump-scares, and the accompanying soundtrack blasts; instead, it takes a low-key approach... along the way becoming completely unconvincing and almost prodigiously unscary. Boring is the new ridiculous.

It's a shame, too, because computer-centric horror is usually a good bet for ridiculousness. Here, the computer stuff isn't detailed enough to really bug the geeks; they'll be too busy pointing out how the movie's screenplay could be improved, and how Kristen Bell takes one of the most disappointing baths in horror history.

Continue reading: Pulse (2006) Review

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Review


Excellent
The obvious inspirations for Wayne and Garth, Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) first hit history in this witty, winning tale of two modern-day So-Cal misfits who end up travelling through time. The impetus? A future society bases all of its culture on the music Bill and Ted's band, Wyld Stallyns (And notably the phrase, "Be excellent to each other") -- but all of that might never happen if the burnouts don't get their history report done.

Alas, it doesn't look good. Bill and Ted are walking mistakes as it is. They can't pronounce Socrates and believe Caeser was "a salad dressing dude." But their grasp of superlative adjectives like triumphant and gnarly is impressive indeed, so maybe there's hope.

Continue reading: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Review

Dracula Iii: Legacy Review


Terrible
I have a British friend whose favorite curse is "Bloody hell!!" It strikes me that there's no better way to describe Dracula III: Legacy. Bloody hell pretty much sums it up.

The latest installment in this "Wes Craven Presents..." series of vampire tales, Dracula III continues the saga of the mysterious, once-bitten Father Vincent Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee) and his wise-cracking sidekick Luke (Jason London), as they head deep into the Romanian forest to kill Dracula once and for all, and to rescue Joe's girlfriend Elizabeth (Law and Order SVU's Diane Neal), who turned into a bloodsucker in a sexy red dress in the last movie.

Continue reading: Dracula Iii: Legacy Review

Highlander: Endgame Review


Terrible
He is Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. He's been pimpin' it since he was born in the village of Glennfillan in 15somethingsomething, and he continues to pimp it in modern day. He is immortal and he cannot die.

Much to our chagrin.

Continue reading: Highlander: Endgame Review

Dracula II: Ascension Review


Terrible
What's the sequel to Dracula 2000? Not Dracula 2001, no, it's Dracula II, and alas, this one couldn't even make it to theaters.

Now on a direct-to-video shelf near you, Dracula II bears no real relation to its predecessor, namely in that it has none of the same cast and nothing to do with the former story, except that there's a vampire in it.

Continue reading: Dracula II: Ascension Review

The Prophecy Review


Terrible
Huh? We've got vengeful angels, we've got a soul hidden in the body of a little girl, we've got Virginia Madsen as a brunette. We've got a plot that's hopelessly confusing and dully simple at the same time. We've got bad dialogue and sleep-inducing momentum -- and this is an action film. Naturally, what else did we get? Sequels.

Mimic 2 Review


Weak
Warranted or not, I usually look at direct to video movies as if I'm not getting the best product for my money. In most video stores Boogie Nights and Citizen Kane are the same price as the latest chapter in the From Dusk Till Dawn saga, so why should I visit the cinematic slums if I don't have to?

Mimic 2 isn't an embarrassing rental. It's about as good as any movie about a giant, mutant cockroach can be expected to be. There are a few entertaining moments, some neat scenery to enjoy, and Jon Polito and Edward Albert are both in it. If that last piece of information doesn't make you want run to the video store with heart-pounding glee, then I don't know what will.

Continue reading: Mimic 2 Review

Dracula 2000 Review


Grim
Well, it's the holiday season and what better way to celebrate than by sucking everyone dry? No... it's not your neighborhood Christmas Key Party, it's Dracula 2000, a gift to all you horror fans for Christmas.

And it's got all of those earmarks of just about every Dracula, a director no one has heard of (Craven just bankrolled it), a series of barely recognizable actors, and a feeling of having been shelved for about four years... oh yeah, and a bunch of religious undertones so the crew can work through their theological schizophrenia a la Anne Rice.

Continue reading: Dracula 2000 Review

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Joel Soisson Movies

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

After the guilty-pleasure success of 2010's Piranha 3D, the quickly slapped-together trailer for this sequel...

Pulse (2006) Movie Review

Pulse (2006) Movie Review

Earlier in 2006, a killer videogame stalked teenagers in Stay Alive; Pulse ups the ante...

Dracula Iii: Legacy Movie Review

Dracula Iii: Legacy Movie Review

I have a British friend whose favorite curse is "Bloody hell!!" It strikes me that...

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Highlander: Endgame Movie Review

Highlander: Endgame Movie Review

He is Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. He's been pimpin' it since he...

Dracula 2000 Movie Review

Dracula 2000 Movie Review

Well, it's the holiday season and what better way to celebrate than by sucking everyone...

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