Jessica Cauffiel

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You Stupid Man Review


Grim
You Stupid Man. Well that's a title that is going to make people rush to Blockbuster. What sounds like a sex comedy (a sultry Denise Richards on the cover doesn't help) turns out to be a semisweet, if goofy, romantic comedy, albeit a nerdy David Krumholtz and a blank-slate Milla Jovovich don't exactly make for cinema's most energetic couple.

Krumholtz starts the film with Richards, an up-and-coming actress who's soon in New York as a headliner on a new sitcom. Soon she's having an affair, gets busted, and sends poor Davie home alone.

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White Chicks Review


Unbearable
No one does sick bathroom slapstick better than the Wayans brothers - their work on Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 proves that. They curiously didn't return for the third movie in that franchise. Maybe they realized (or someone did for them) that their brand of humor had run its useful course and it was time to move on. White Chicks is the product of their departure. Unfortunately, it's far from original, or entertaining - in fact, it takes the Wayans' brand of gross-out humor to a whole new low.

Two FBI agents, Marcus (Marlon Wayans) and Kevin Copeland (Shawn Wayans) have a knack for screwing up their assignments. Their supervisor (Frankie Faison) is pissed, and the pair have become the joke of the department. After blowing their cover on their last assignment, Marcus and Kevin are given "one final" opportunity to prove themselves. They're assigned to escort high profile, cruise ship heiresses Brittany and Tiffany Wilson (think Paris and Nicky Hilton) to a party in the Hamptons without getting kidnapped. I guess shipboard credits and shore excursions are hot commodities for East Coast socialites.

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D.E.B.S. Review


Grim
Somewhat like watching the Disney Channel's girl-power prime-time lineup through a muddled exploitation-lite filter, D.E.B.S. is a patently ridiculous teen-spies scenario that's played mostly for laughs but oddly enough only works when it's being downright sincere.

The film imagines that there's an entire wing of the national intelligence apparatus composed of nubile young women in tarty schoolgirl outfits (knee socks, plaid miniskirts, the whole bit) selected by how they answered questions buried in the SATs that secretly test for espionage aptitude. The starring quartet of hotties soon to graduate from the D.E.B.S. academy are: straight-A and dishwater dull Amy (Sara Foster, her blonde hair making her the star), chain-smoking and slutty Domique (Devon Aoki, sporting a respectable French accent), love-starved and not-too-bright underachiever Janet (Jill Ritchie) and their over-the-top bitchy leader Max (Meagan Good, trying too hard).

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Valentine Review


Terrible
Well, here's something that will make you wish you'd stayed home to watch Survivor instead of shelling out money at the movies. Hell, Valentine, another entry into the yearly, winter horror crapfest, even makes Temptation Island look good.

What we've got here is your standard grade horror flick in the vein of Scream and Urban Legend, revolving around a mysterious killer devising a supposed revenge plot -- a geeky kid who got a Carrie pulled on him in 6th grade. My how the tables have turned! The bunch of girls who refused to dance with him are now getting killed, 13 years later. Has this nobody returned from obscurity to exact his revenge for having punch poured on him?

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Guess Who Review


Good
Simon Green (Ashton Kutcher), an anxious, young businessman, is about to journey with his girlfriend, Theresa (Zoe Saldana), to meet her parents for the first time. They also intend to announce their recent engagement, so it's going to be a very eventful trip. But there's one small problem. She's black. He's white. And she hasn't told her parents yet.

Theresa's father, Percy (Bernie Mac), another businessman, has completed underground investigation on Simon, and he likes what he's found. Percy admires Simon for holding a position at a prestigious business; though, Percy doesn't know (and neither does Theresa, for that matter) that Simon just quit this job. Percy and his wife, Marilyn (Judith Scott), live a traditional, affluent life, and are looking forward to meeting the lucky guy who's dating their beautiful daughter, but they're in for quite the surprise.

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Guess Who Review


Weak
After setting the stage with half a dozen insultingly shopworn plot contrivancesin its first five minutes, "Guess Who" -- a seemingly ill-advisedcross between "Meet the Parents" and "Guess Who's Comingto Dinner" -- eventually finds its comedy footing by playfully dancingalong the edge of political incorrectness.

The meagerly amusing Ashton Kutcher plays a generic, kowtowing,romantic-comedy male dope named Simon, the kind of guy who quits his high-payingjob on principle (cliche) but lies about it to his fiance (contrivance)so she can find out about it on her own and thus break up with him (cliche),forcing him to win her back in the third act (oh, brother). This despitethe fact that it's never clear what she sees in him in the first place.

Simon also lies about his job to the girl's vociferousand intimidating father (cliche), whom he's meeting for the first timethat very weekend (contrivance). The young couple plans to announce theirengagement during a 25th anniversary party for her parents (there's a badidea), which will include a renewal of wedding vows (a plot crutch onlyused by screenwriters desperate to find a climactic setting for a big finale).

Having built its story arc around the kinds of dumb liesand misunderstandings that could be easily resolved if the characters wouldjust level with each other for 30 seconds, "Guess Who" wouldcollapse under the weight of its sheer idiocy if it weren't for the factthat Simon is white, his fianc=E9e Theresa (Zoe Saldana) is black, and herfather (Bernie Mac) is none too pleased about having that fact sprung onhim.

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White Chicks Review


Hmmm

Marlon and Shawn Wayans of "Scary Movie" fame underwent hours of makeup each day to play the title characters in the gimmick comedy "White Chicks," but little good it did them. Their layers-of-latex Caucasian drag isn't any more realistic than the rubber mask worn by Michael Myers in the "Halloween" movies -- only tighter, as if their faces had been shrink-wrapped.

The two star as idiot FBI-agent brothers who keep trying to make busts without backup and botching the cases badly. Assigned to babysit two dingbat blonde heiresses -- half-hearted "Omigod!" spoofs of Paris and Nicky Hilton -- because of a kidnapping threat, Marlon and Shawn manage to screw that up too, by going undercover as the girls instead.

Giggling in Valley-gal falsettos and wobbling around the Hamptons in high heels and tight, tacky pink outfits (where, of course, everyone inexplicably mistakes them for the real heiresses), they furiously mug through every off-the-shelf cross-dressing gag known to Hollywood and supposedly "really learning something" about women in the process.

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Urban Legends: The Final Cut Review


Zero

As wretched as any Ed Wood bomb, and without the camp factor to make it train-wreck entertaining, "Urban Legends: The Final Cut" is a serious contender for the worst horror movie ever made.

It's not just that the movie isn't the least bit scary. It's not just that the killer picks off his victims in the most humdrum manner. It's not just that almost every performance is so flaccid that the actors look like they're reading cue cards even when they scream.

It's not just that the slasher wears a fencing mask, signaling an utter lack of originality and adherence to copycat screenwriting formula (if Jason had worn a football helmet in "Friday the 13th," this guy would be wearing a baseball cap, no doubt.) It's not even that this pathetic excuse for a suspense movie has the unmitigated gall to compare itself to Hitchcock.

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Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde Review


Hmmm

After using her coincidentally convenient knowledge of hair care products to acquit a murder suspect in "Legally Blonde," one-dimensionally ditzy Harvard Law grad Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) has become a naively sanguine congressional aide for the insipid sequel "Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde" -- and once again her dumb luck masquerades as unsuspected smarts.

With Elle in Washington to lobby against animal testing by cosmetics companies, the plot turns on her ability to win over two bitterly conservative senators -- not with reason, facts or even charm, but simply because one of them happens to be a sorority sister (they have a secret dance instead of a secret handshake) and another has a big male Rottweiler who just happens to fall in love with Bruiser, her little male Chihuahua, during a walk in the park.

Yes, that's right -- this feebly scripted, Barbie-brained, Gucci-accessorized so-called comedy actually climbs up on a designer-pink soapbox of social consciousness to preach in platitudes about both animal rights and gay rights. Advocates in both camps should feel insulted.

Continue reading: Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde Review

Valentine Review


Grim

The target-audience crowd at the night-before-release screening of "Valentine" -- a sluggish, labored slasher flick based on a much more complex suspense novel -- gave the movie an unequivocal review that needs no explanation when almost all of them loudly and resoundingly booed in unison as the end credits rolled.

They were booing mostly at the laughable, implausible "surprise" reveal of the real killer after an hour and a half of haphazard red herrings. But they might as well have been booing at the very idea that movie audiences will go see anything with a masked killer, a bloody kitchen knife and a random holiday in the title.

The killer here wears a creepy cherub mask, of course, and in the picture's one remotely clever scene he offs the movie's second worst actress (Jessica Cauffiel, "Urban Legends 2") by foregoing the knife in favor of a bow and arrow -- because he's Cupid, see? Apparently this is the kind of thing that makes brain-dead studio suits wet themselves in delight.

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Stuck On You Review


Weak

When Walt Tenor (Greg Kinnear) decides he wants to become an actor, he tries to convince his twin brother Bob (Matt Damon) -- his conjoined twin brother -- to move out to Hollywood with him by saying, "You could be my stunt double!"

Yes folks, "Stuck On You" is another cheeky comedy of good humor and questionable taste from the Farrelly Brothers ("Kingpin," "There's Something About Mary" and "Shallow Hal"), and yes, folks, they get a surprising amount of mileage out of jokes like that one -- rim-shot-quality punchlines given winkingly ironic sparkle by the wily writing-directing team's laughing-with-not-laughing-at sensibilities.

There's the scene in which Walt walks his shy sibling over to a pretty blonde in a bar, then takes over the seduction himself when Bob blows it -- and ends up bringing the girl home (Bob tries to ignore their moaning from the other side of a makeshift curtain). There's Walt's "one-man" stage show about Truman Capote, in which Bob tries to slouch as inconspicuously as possible behind Walt's back.

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Legally Blonde Review


Grim

Shallow SoCal sorority bimbo Elle Woods is supposed to be, like, totally smarter than she looks in "Legally Blonde," a paint-by-numbers big screen sitcom about a ditzy coed who follows her snooty, upper-crust ex to Harvard Law to prove herself worthy and win him back.

But while Elle is played with irresistibly bouncy ebullience by the wonderfully daft Reese Witherspoon ("Election," "Freeway"), the movie never provides any evidence of her supposed smarts. She just gets lucky a lot, like when her knowledge of hair care helps save an innocent murder defendant in a big case she has no business handling as an intern at a big law firm.

Such simplistic, ain't-it-wacky solutions to life's dilemmas are the driving force of this pastel colored picture that is funny from time to time, but is also weighed down with trite "have faith in yourself" messages, as if it's some kind of after school special.

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