Brit Awards 2013 - Why They Were The Blandest Brits, And Who Should Have Won...
Last night's Brits were an utter yawn fest, so says us
Awards ceremonies are supposed to make you laugh. They’re supposed to make you cry. They’re supposed to make you angry. They’re supposed to shock the living daylights out of you. They are supposed to provide some serious ‘water cooler’ moments for you to talk about at work the next day. Did The Brits do any of these things? Did they heck. The most animated we got last night was when we managed to muster up the energy to actually yawn.
Oh, how we yearned for the days when pop stars actually behaved badly. There’s reason that we all talk about Jarvis Cocker waggling his arse at Michael Jackson. Because it was FUNNY. There’s a reason that, this time every year, we dig up that YouTube clip of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood doing the world’s worst presenting job ever, on the Brits. It’s because it was FUNNY. There’s a reason that we talked about James Corden cutting off Adele’s speech last year. It’s because it was FUNNY. What’s that you say? Oh, sorry. That was because it was SHOCKING. A NATIONAL DISASTER. That’s it.
Last night’s Brits, quite rightly, has being branded as bland. Blanded? Is that a phrase? It is now. Sure, Nick Grimshaw had a great night out with Harry Styles, went to work drunk (allegedly) the next morning. Sure, Taylor Swift was in the same room as Harry Styles. Sure, Harry Styles was there being Harry Styles. But seriously, this year’s bash was seriously lacking in grit and fun, for us viewers stuck at home and there’s a very obvious reason why.
All the wrong people won.
All the wrong people.
So: Brits organisers. We’ve done you a favour here: We’ve made a list of who SHOULD have won some of those major awards, in order to have made your awards ceremony less yawnsomely boring. You can use it as a reference point for next year, if you so choose.
British Male Solo Artist. OK, it was a pretty rum deal, this category but Plan B is infinitely more interesting that Ben Howard. Not only did he come up with the line “I’ll stab you in the eye with a biro / the same biro you use to sign your giro” (genius, no…? No…?) but he probably would have something vaguely gritty and offensive to say about the government, or something.
British Breakthough Act. Right. Listen up. On the one hand, here, you’ve got Rita Ora. And here, in this hand, you’ve got Ben Howard. Rita Ora dated a Kardashian. She (allegedly) cheated on a Kardashian. She’s the British Rihanna. She’s hip, she’s hot, oh and she releases great pop tunes. She probably would have got onstage and said something pretty daft (if her appearance on Never Mind the Buzzcocks was anything to go by,anyway). But no. You chose Howard.
British Female Solo Artist. It’s a little known fact that half of the British population can’t actually see Emeli Sande any more. We have got so used to seeing her, everywhere, that our brains have tricked themselves into believing that she is, in fact, not there at all. She’s like a walking Magic Eye picture. You can only see Emeli Sande if you stand up close to her, go cross-eyed first and slowly move her away from you, to about arm’s length. Even then, some people still don’t see her. Thus, she was a bad choice to place on the stage. Our minds just.. sort of… gloss over her. She’s pretty dull. The new Dido basically. Yawn. Amy Winehouse was your obvious choice here. Because she’s been dead for quite a while. Obviously. So people could have argued endlessly about whether or not she should even have been eligible to be nominated (she shouldn’t, obviously, it’s ridiculous). Emeli Sande, or a dead person. there’s not much in it, to be fair, but Winehouse would have been the correct choice here.
British Group. Nobody, except nobody is actually excited by Mumford & Sons. Even Mumford & Sons aren’t excited by Mumford & Sons. Okay, apart from Carey Mulligan, who is literally the only person who smiles when they win awards. One Direction? People are excited by One Direction! No one knows why – we can’t recall a single song that they have released, but by golly, they are EX. CITING. Because of all the hair, and the hormones, and the baby baby baby, whatever, lalala, famous girlfriends. Harry Styles. Hair. Pheromones. X Factor. Lynx Deodorant. I dunno. Obvious choice. Opportunity missed there.
International Male Solo Artist. Literally the only one you got right was Frank Ocean. Not that it’s HARD to find a male artist that’s more interesting than the other losers you had picked out. The Boss? It’s 2013, c’mon! Gotye? One! Song! Michael Buble? Facepalm! Thank goodness you went for Ocean, who’s so cool, he even thanked Damien Hirst “for the polka dots.” There you go, Brits organisers. Hope this helps. No need to thank us.