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Catacombs Review


Terrible
Here's what happens in Catacombs. Shannyn Sossamon plays Victoria, who arrives in Paris to hook up with her bratty sister Carolyn (marking inauspiciously Pink's speaking-role acting debut). After setting her down with some friends who tell her all about a kid who lives in the Paris catacombs, raised on raw meat and wearing a goat head for mask, Carolyn drags Victoria to a rave held in one of those catacombs, just like in The Matrix Reloaded only with nude, underground lake swimming.

Naturally, Victoria gets separated and spends the next hour-plus running around in the catacombs in her boots (has Sossamon ever appeared in a movie in heels? just wondering), being chased by, you guessed it, a dude in a goat-head mask. He doesn't stop, no matter how injured Victoria gets or how many people she encounters get killed... until the end, when one of cinema's most absurd twist endings of all time gets sprung on you.

Continue reading: Catacombs Review

Dead Silence Review


Unbearable

Dead Silence sucks. It's as simple as that. I like schlocky horror films as much as the next guy, but there's nothing to like about this one. Not one thing. Warming your hands over a burning ten-dollar bill is preferable to watching this film.

It's the sort of bad movie that makes you wonder how it emerged a winner from the studio production lottery. Surely a surplus of terrible ideas exists in Hollywood, so how did this particular steaming pile get made into a movie? I can't say for sure. The inner workings of Hollywood deal-making are beyond my expertise, so I'll confine my comments on Dead Silence to its general awfulness, resisting the urge to speculate on which member of the film's creative team kidnapped and held for ransom which studio executive's infant child -- the only possible explanation for green-lighting a movie this irredeemably bad. (Here's why: The filmmakers made the studio a lot of cash with the Saw series. -Ed.)

If you haven't seen the Dead Silence trailer, you may not know that the film centers on a murderous ventriloquist, whose spirit has risen from the dead, and an army of spooky dummies who do her bidding. It's hard to say whether director James Wan and screenwriter Leigh Wannell, both of whom are credited for dreaming up the story, were inspired by Chucky from the Child's Play movies or the scary clown doll from Poltergeist, but one thing is clear: Dead Silence possesses exactly zero ounces of originality. (The title sequence, for instance, is the filmic equivalent of plagiarism -- unrepentantly stealing from Steven Soderbergh's 2005 film, Bubble.)

The movie starts with some painfully awkward exposition followed by -- what else? -- a murder. One night James Ashen (Ryan Kwanten) and his wife, Lisa, discover a package containing a ventriloquist dummy left in front of their apartment door. Despite their foggy recollections of a ghost story from their childhood involving dummies and a psychotic ventriloquist who cuts out people's tongues, they don't think too much about the mysterious package. James goes to pick up some Chinese food and returns to find his wife dead, her tongue gruesomely removed and the doll lying in a heap next to her corpse. The detective assigned to the case, Jim Lipton (Donnie Walhberg), quickly fingers Ashen as the prime suspect, thus setting the wheels of plot in motion. With Lipton watching his every step, Ashen returns to his hometown to bury his wife and find the answer to her murder. He discovers that long ago a ventriloquist named Mary Shaw was killed by an enraged mob and ever since then certain families in the community have been killed off, one by one, each person's tongue ripped out by the avenging Mary Shaw and her legion of dummies.

In my movie-watching experience, I've seen Superman turn back time, zombies come to life, and Meg Ryan fall in love with Billy Crystal. And in each case, I was onboard, willing and eager to suspend my disbelief. That wasn't the case with Dead Silence. Wan and Wannell are determined not to acknowledge the inherent campiness of a movie featuring killer ventriloquist dummies and a spectral puppeteer. It's as if they think their grim refusal to address the obviously ridiculous makes it less so. Have they not seen the Scream movies? Do they know that self-awareness has been part of the horror genre for more than a decade now?

During the screening I attended, I fought off more than one urge to shake my fist at the screen. This is filmmaking at its wretched worst. At least Child's Play had a sense of humor. All Dead Silence has is dummies.

Now who's the dummy?

Saw II Review


Unbearable
When I was living in New York, I had the misfortune of spending a better part of one night in Penn Station. Tired of wandering, I wound up in the men's room around 3:45 AM and was greeted by quite a sight: a homeless man bathing in the sink, another making dreadful noises in a toilet stall, and a janitor sweeping up God know what off the yellow tiled floor. The janitor was smoking and the bathing homeless man asked him for a drag. The janitor requested that the homeless man to show him his teeth and the homeless guy obliged, presenting a sore mouth with maybe two or three black and yellow teeth jutting from obscenely swollen gums. The janitor said, "Alright," shrugged, and then let the guy take a drag of his smoke. After the guy with the rotting mouth took a nice long drag, the janitor took back the cigarette and smoked the rest of it.

Saw II made me feel like I was watching that same thing for 90 odd minutes. It's a picture as revolting as it is needless.

Continue reading: Saw II Review

Saw Review


Weak
You know how some movies have perfect trailers -- so imaginatively cut together that you can't help but have to see the movie when it comes out? And then you see the movie and it kinda sucks?

Saw is that movie.

Continue reading: Saw Review

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