John Carpenter's Vampires

"OK"

John Carpenter's Vampires Review


I'm a child of the 80s. I like my horror movies, and I like them cheesy. They're not scary to me, they're excuses to get a little closer with my girlfriend, they're ways to enjoy sick comedy in the theatre while the idiot girl's getting gutted. They're my reminder that fiction is more fun than fact. I like them quick, I like them gory, and I like them campy. All of those adjectives are words you can tack on to John Carpenter's Vampires.

Now anyone who has read my review on Halloween will know that I hold this man in no reverence. To be honest, I pretty much hate the bastard. But, I do admit his prowess behind the camera and his ability to scare, although not his creative ability. But this time, he didn't pen the screenplay, so I'm happy. I don't hate his style, I hate his original material. After all, has anyone seen Jim Carrey or Pauly Shore's standup? It sucks. Are they funny people, yes.

In Vampires the Roman Catholic Church has gone beyond garlic and crosses and exorcisms as a way of fighting evil, it's headed into the dark and dismal hiring of a gun-ho team of slayers to kill the bloodsuckers. I suppose it had to be coming, after all, they are an infestation and the Catholic Church has to do something about it. Of course the people doing the slaying are more sinners than saints, but that makes 'em all the more fun to watch. We have James Woods (Contact) heading up the team with the fourth Baldwin, namely Daniel (Born on the Fourth of July) in a bit role as a vet), who spend they're days smoking cigarettes, watching Kaptain Kangaroo, and kicking the shit out of vampires. Of course, vampire Master Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith) kills all of the slaying team except for Jimmy and Danny, and only bites Sheryl Lee (Twin Peaks) (but he's biting her on the inner thigh, hell, I'd do that).

So, while Little Ms. Wrapped In Plastic is growing fangs they use a telepathic link to track the Master Vampire down, hopefully before he can get a cross that would let him walk in daylight. But, about him walking in daylight, I wouldn't be too worried: you'd spot him a mile away.

It's got blood, it's got guts, it's got campfire humor and sinful psychosis. It's only a matter of time before it's declared a sacrilege. So did I like it? Do ya really have to ask?



Facts and Figures

Budget: $20M

Production compaines: Film Office, JVC Entertainment Networks, Largo Entertainment, Spooky Tooth Productions, Storm King Productions

Reviews

Contactmusic.com: 3 / 5

Cast & Crew

Director:

Producer:

Starring: as Jack Crow, as Montoya, as Katrina, as Jan Valek, as Kardinal Alba, as Father Adam Guiteau, as Catlin, Gregory Sierra as Father Giovanni, as David Deyo, Thomas Rosales, Jr. as Ortega, Clarke Coleman as Davis, Mark Sivertsen as Highway Patrolman

Also starring: ,


Contactmusic


Links



Advertisement

New Movies

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation Movie Review

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation Movie Review

Writer-director Christopher McQuarrie brings a dark and gritty tone to this larger-than-life franchise. Along with...

Beyond the Reach Movie Review

Beyond the Reach Movie Review

With a spectacular setting and two solid actors on-screen, this thriller builds enough solid suspense...

Cub Movie Review

Cub Movie Review

At a time when horror movies seem to only want to make the audience jump,...

Inside Out Movie Review

Inside Out Movie Review

Those bright sparks at Pixar have done it again, taking a fiercely original approach to...

Advertisement
Southpaw Movie Review

Southpaw Movie Review

Slick direction and meaty performances may be enough for some viewers, but this boxing drama's...

Eden Movie Review

Eden Movie Review

Loose and impressionistic, this beautifully shot film traces the career of a DJ who pioneered...

The Gallows Movie Review

The Gallows Movie Review

Without a single moment of originality, this found-footage horror movie really deserves to be the...

Self/Less Movie Review

Self/Less Movie Review

An intriguing premise keeps the audience gripped for about 20 minutes before the movie runs...

Advertisement