Gold Diggers Review
By Christopher Null
I can't blame you for taking in interest in Gold Diggers. Box cover girl Nikki Ziering has those skanky porn-star looks that your eye is immediately drawn to, and the promise of excessive nudity on her part looks readily doable.
Surprise: Ziering is barely in the film at all, and her few scenes are so clumsily grafted into the picture that even the most pathetic pornographer would be shamed by witnessing them.
The movie itself has nothing to do with hot chicks at all. Instead, we get this tired old setup: Two loser thieves/slackers (Boy Meets World's Will Frielde and American Pie's Chris "The Shermanator" Owen) decide to marry two old sisters (poor Louise Lasser and Renée Taylor) in order to abscond with their money when they die. The catch: The women don't have any money. They are planning to insure the guys' lives and kill them for the loot themselves. Mass hysteria ensues as various murder plots run afoul and the body count rises -- but including none of our four principals. Eventually they come together and find another outlet for their plan.
If this movie wasn't so stupid I'd complain instead about how it wasn't funny in any way. It certainly isn't the sexed-up National Lampoon vehicle we've come to expect -- hell, it's not even on par with Van Wilder. Every setup is forced beyond the point of absurdity. The script feels like it was written by a three year old, with characters that can't plan more than 15 seconds ahead in their lives.
The promise of "unrated" content on the DVD is ludicrous: Ziering is seen flubbing a few lines while topless, and alternate scenes (including two alternate endings) are just as banal as those in the final cut.
I don't know how to put it any other way: If you watch this movie, you are an idiot.
Aka National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, Lady Killers.
Facts and Figures
In Theaters: Thursday 5th November 2009
Cast & Crew
Starring: Billy Bletcher as Beans, Joe Dougherty as Porky Pig, Bernice Hansen as Little Kitty