Baseline Killer

"Terrible"

Baseline Killer Review


"I'm back, bitches and hos! Back with a vengeance!" - actual quote from Baseline Killer

Baseline Killer is so bad that it's not even a movie. It more resembles some punk adolescent's deliberately lame home video that he makes with friends over a long weekend and stops finding funny after watching it more than once. The only difference: Baseline Killer was actually made for profit. And it takes itself seriously. And it is actually being released on DVD. The horror inflicted upon innocents who view this "film" is far worse than anything that happens to the Baseline Killer's victims.

Horror films are a dime a dozen nowadays -- Hollywood churns out a slew of them each year, and the vast majority of them are absolute garbage. The formula is the same: Put some slick visualist in charge of shooting attractive twentysomethings having sex and then getting slaughtered, and then just watch the opening weekend tally. It works in spite of -- or perhaps because of -- its utter rejection of morality, human decency, and common sense. Following that trend, Baseline Killer represents something relatively fresh and new -- a film so badly conceived, so embarrassingly shot, so hideously acted, so lacking in any trace of cognizant filmmaking ability that the inherent ugliness of its content is the least of its problems.

Want a plot? The movie apparently centers on a large group of young women who meet for a "reunion" (of what, the film discreetly leaves out) at a random "warehouse" (of what...well, you get the idea). They exchange inconsequential and incomprehensible bits of vapid dialogue for about 20 minutes while the titular villain stalks them in strange patterns (one second he is 50 feet away, then he is curiously watching from above). Then, suddenly, the lights go out, screeches are heard, and one by one the women disappear, only to be found minutes later with their faces splattered with ketchup. This pattern is repeated for the next 55 minutes.

Why does a movie like this exist, and why does it qualify as a "movie?" Any distributor's purchase of a film this heinous could surely have nothing to do with quality, since there is literally none on display. The cinematography is so atrocious it would give most film lovers a stomachache. The characters are so abhorrently drawn that they don't even qualify as stereotypes -- the only two I remember are the poor girl with the garish, trailer-park blond wig, and the lesbian character, who can be identified by her black vest. Frequent dialogue stutters and mistakes go unedited, even though most of the film is edited as if a simple dialogue scene was a blood-curdling action set piece, with whirling cameras and angles that switch so often that it barely makes sense.

Ulli Lommel, who is at least smart enough to found his own production company, which he dubs the "Hollywood House of Horror," is the writer and director of Baseline Killer. He may never make a legitimate movie in his life, but he might have a promising future in the porn industry, since he clearly has a penchant for writing sexist slurs and making women suffer. Too bad his writing is so poor that it lacks the conviction of even hardcore porn. Lommel has at least opened my eyes to a whole new world, a world I have scarcely witnessed in my life: the dark, ugly slums of direct-to-video horror.



Baseline Killer

Facts and Figures

Run time: 78 mins

In Theaters: Tuesday 7th April 2009

Distributed by: LionsGate Entertainment

Reviews

Contactmusic.com: 1 / 5

IMDB: 2.4 / 10

Cast & Crew

Director:

Producer: , Nola Roeper

Also starring: ,

Contactmusic


Links



Advertisement

Contactmusic 2017 Exclusive

New Movies

Patriots Day Movie Review

Patriots Day Movie Review

The third time's a charm for Mark Wahlberg and director Peter Berg, who previously teamed...

A Cure for Wellness Movie Review

A Cure for Wellness Movie Review

It's no surprise that this creep-out horror thriller is packed with whizzy visual invention, since...

It's Only the End of the World Movie Review

It's Only the End of the World Movie Review

At just 27 years old, Canadian filmmaker Xavier Dolan has an almost overwhelming set of...

Hidden Figures Movie Review

Hidden Figures Movie Review

This film recounts such a great true story that we don't mind the fact that...

The Founder Movie Review

The Founder Movie Review

This is the story of Ray Kroc, the man who created the concept of McDonald's....

John Wick: Chapter 2 Movie Review

John Wick: Chapter 2 Movie Review

Keanu Reeves picks up his supremely efficient hitman immediately where the 2015 original left him:...

Fences Movie Review

Fences Movie Review

After winning Tony Awards on Broadway, Denzel Washington and Viola Davis reteam for a film...

Advertisement
The Lego Batman Movie Movie Review

The Lego Batman Movie Movie Review

A spin-off from 2014's awesome The Lego Movie, this raucously paced action-comedy is proof that...

The Space Between Us Movie Review

The Space Between Us Movie Review

While the premise of this movie makes it look like a sci-fi adventure, the truth...

Toni Erdmann Movie Review

Toni Erdmann Movie Review

On paper, the idea of a two-hour 40-minute German comedy may not seem very promising,...

Gold Movie Review

Gold Movie Review

Based on a true story, this lively and sometimes outrageous adventure is packed with twists...

Loving Movie Review

Loving Movie Review

While this film tackles a huge issue in the history of race relations in America,...

T2 Trainspotting Movie Review

T2 Trainspotting Movie Review

It's been 20 years since we last saw four freewheeling young junkies from Edinburgh spiral...

Hacksaw Ridge Movie Review

Hacksaw Ridge Movie Review

Based on an astounding true story, this battlefield drama mixes warm emotion with intense action...

Advertisement
Artists
Actors
    Filmmakers
      Artists
      Bands
        Musicians
          Artists
          Celebrities
             
              Artists
              Interviews
                musicians & bands in the news
                  actors & filmmakers in the news
                    celebrities in the news

                      Go Back in Time using our News archive to see what happened on a particular day in the past.