Eric Bernt

Eric Bernt

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The Hitcher Review


OK
As the opening frames for The Hitcher inform us, 48,000 people die each year on the road each year. I know these sorrows have a variety of causes. Some are pure tragic accident, some the fault of inebriation, and some the fault of forgetting a turn signal or not watching a blind spot. Somehow, I doubt being sliced up by Brits in the middle of the New Mexico desert registers in the top five.

After attempting to briefly educate us about the perils of driving, The Hitcher (a remake of the 1986 cable standby) then jumps straight into the action. A guy (Zachary Knighton) waits impatiently for his girlfriend outside her dorm with a 1970 Oldsmobile 442. As he sits by his muscle car and she (Sophia Bush) comes out with nothing but pajamas and a small backpack on, The Hitcher feels like it should turn into a Penthouse story at any moment. They hop in the car, and before we even get their names we get to see Bush changing in the car and going on the road.

Continue reading: The Hitcher Review

Bachelor Party Vegas Review


OK
With a title like Bachelor Party Vegas, you're at least getting truth in advertising. This is a raunchy, near-plotless, direct-to-DVD experience, heavy on debauchery, nudity, off-color language, and the like. Primarily it seems concerned with Farrelly brothers-style gross-out nekkidness: Old people, ugly people, talking about their anatomy or rubbing themselves against our hapless bachelor partygoers, who fly to Vegas for the big event.

The event starts off with bikini-babe paintball game, moves on to a well-product-placed Golden Nugget casino, and then detours to a porn set, a giant tub of spaghetti, a warehouse, jail, and more. American Pie-style antics are rampant, though Harold and Kumar's Kal Penn is the only one of the boys you're likely to have ever seen before.

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Surviving The Game Review


Weak
To survive the game you first have to survive the movie, an update of The Most Dangerous Game only with a homeless guy being hunted for sport instead of a blue-blood. Too bad for the hunting party (helmed by Rutger Hauer in a golf cap), they picked the wrong guy to hunt: Ice-T in dreadlocks. The acting is atrocious: Watch for F. Murray Abraham's pained shriek when his son falls off a cliff. Oops, that's a spoiler.

Virtuosity Review


OK
In the not so distant future (er, past... 1999 A.D.), Virtual Reality has progressed to the point where the Virtual part isn't so clear. With the help of nanotechnology (read: really small) machines, VR simulations can take on a physical form composed of millions of these teeny robots. When a semi-crazed engineer decides to bring his ultimate bad guy VR program to life, he sneaks the chip into some of this robotic glop. Thus, Sid 6.7 is born.

Sid (Russell Crowe) is version number 6.7 of a compilation of 183 personalities: mass murderers, serial killers, and Hitler-types. The ultimate villain, Sid is imbued with the ability to regenerate damage at the touch of glass (silicon), almost superhuman powers, and the cunning and mental imbalance of history's worst killers. And who would have thought...when you let Sid out of the lab, Sid wants to kill. Preferably on national television.

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Romeo Must Die Review


Terrible
Romeo Must Die is a jetliner of a film headed straight for black ice. Namely, it subsists on ridiculous action sequences meshed together by predictable plot points and truly horrible acting. Fueled by the "Monopoly Money" pockets of Joel Silver - the guy responsible for such titles as The Matrix, the Lethal Weapon series, and Richie Rich - this movie is bad. Really bad.

It's such a damn shame when such a talent and versatile actors like Jet Li and Delroy Lindo re subjected to portray such stereotypical, mundane, pointless characters. To all those who are unaware of Jet Li, stop reading right now and run down to your local video story and ask for Once Upon a Time in China, Bodyguard from Beijing, and Hitman. You might have seen him in that techno-redubbed version of Black Mask or as the evil Chinese bad guy in Lethal Weapon 4 that had be shot and stabbed before Mel Gibson could save face and not get his ass kicked again. But Jet Li's character in Romeo Must Die reminds me of the circus clown hired to keep the kiddies smiling in the film.

Continue reading: Romeo Must Die Review

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Eric Bernt Movies

The Hitcher Movie Review

The Hitcher Movie Review

As the opening frames for The Hitcher inform us, 48,000 people die each year on...

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Romeo Must Die Movie Review

Romeo Must Die Movie Review

Romeo Must Die is a jetliner of a film headed straight for black ice....

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