Wait, what just happened?
Game of Thrones, it’s been too long. But here we are, on the other side of The Mountain and the Viper and Tyrion’s trial by combat. Let’s recap – as usual, ALL OF THE SPOILERS ahead.
Before the main event, we join Gilly at her new job as a serving girl in Mole’s Town, where things are about to go down. “Things” in this case refers to a gang of wildlings, including our old friend Ygritte, who descend on the village and slaughter without mercy. Well, not entirely. At one point Ygritte finds Gilly cowering in a corner with baby Sam. Instead of doing her whole killing shtick, however, Ygritte spares our favorite new mum and moves on on her merry way. Good times.
Tywin really wants to kill Tyrion. But first...
So the Night’s Watch clearly has some work to do and, as most men on this show of late, they sit down and talk it out... and that’s it really. Kudos to you, Black Brothers, protectors of the Realm.
In Daenerys’ camp, things are heating up between Missandei and Grey Worm. Which is to say, Grey Worm gets caught spying on Daenerys’ handmaiden as she’s bathing, which leads to an awkward big sister talk between the Khaleesi and Missandei and then an even more awkward talk between the two would-be lovers. No developments there either, but at least the cards are on the table. Well, sort of.
Up north, Ramsay Snow continues to be an evil sadist (good job, Iwan Rheon) and Reek aka The Artist Formerly Known As Theon is sent to the Iron Born with a message – surrender and you will be spared. Of course, this is the Bastard of Bolton we’re talking about here, so much like in the children’s book, all of Theon’s friends are dead by the next scene. Ramsay finally wins his father’s approval and the Bolton name.
The GoT writing team really knows how to build dramatic tension
In the Vale, Lord Baelish continues to be what is technically referred to in screenwriting as a “scheming sleazebag.” He did however, protect Sansa, so now she’s paying him back with the most brilliant acting ever. As Littlefinger stands accused of Lysa Arryn’s death, Sansa steps in, playing the most intense game of two truths and a lie. Her name is Sansa Stark. Check. She was smuggled out of King’s Landing and taken to the Eyrie and her insanely jealous aunt. Check. Lysa Tully threw herself out of the Moon Door. No one catches on. See, Sansa totally knows how to play the game! She’s also gone for an obvious style change, which we’ll take to mean that Sansa is now playing to win.
Oh and remember how Jorah Mormont used to spy on Daenerys and send information to Varys in King’s Landing? We’re told he’s given up on his spying duties when he fell in love with the Khaleesi, but it doesn’t matter. Daenerys has found out and hell hath no fury. Jorah is alive but he kind of wishes he wasn’t.
Daenerys is Khaleesi-ing it up over in Mereen
And then – oh, goodie – it’s time for the big game. People killing each other is kind of the national sport of Westeros and Oberyn Martell vs. Gregor Clegane is basically the championship game. It looks like an easy win for Oberyn. He’s fast, he’s clever, he’s got Clegane on his knees. The entire time we kind of want to cry for the Viper as he keeps asking The Mountain to confess to the murder of the Dornish princess Elia. His fighting skills are also super impressive. And then, when he’s basically won... you might want a tissue handy for this.
There’s one plot twist in every season of GoT that’s put in there just to remind us that nothing is sacred and Westeros is a cruel and hopeless place.
Gregor Clegane smashing Oberyn Martell’s scull was that plot twist. The gods have made their will known. Tyrion Lannister, you are hereby sentenced to death. Roll credits.