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Los Angeles premiere of The Asylum's 'Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!'

Dina Meyer - Los Angeles premiere of The Asylum's 'Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!' - Arrivals at iPic Theaters - Los Angeles, California, United States - Wednesday 22nd July 2015

Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer

Picture - 'Saw' star Dina Meyer leaving... Los Angeles, California, Thursday 17th July 2008

Dina Meyer Thursday 17th July 2008 'Saw' star Dina Meyer leaving a medical building in Beverly Hills Los Angeles, California

Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer
Dina Meyer

Decoys: The Second Seduction Review


Terrible
And here I had know idea there was a Decoys to make a sequel of. Looking it up online, it appears to have exactly the same plotline as Decoys: The Second Seduction: A bunch of hot girls prowl around a college campus, turning into aliens to suck the life out of hapless guys looking for easy fun. Eventually the guys figure out the otherworldly beauties are too good to be true, so they go on a killing spree: The alien babes are very vulnerable to heat and fire. End of movie.

Vapid and dumb, I've seen worse films but not by much. Basically, this is a ripoff of Species, which I thought did a plenty good job of ripping itself off with two sequels of increasingly bad quality. There's no reason for anyone to see Decoys 2... it isn't amusing, thrilling, or titillating in the slightest.

Continue reading: Decoys: The Second Seduction Review

Saw III Review


OK
The Saw series, like most horror franchises, uses a lot of constants in its formula -- even when those constants don't seem particularly vital to the quality of the series. Saw III, for example, matches its predecessors in the dubious categories of histrionic yelling, equally histrionic smash-editing (often incorporating a generous helping of re-used footage, from the previous films or even from earlier in this one), and plot twists that depend on those histrionics to drown out implausibility.

But Saw III does actually have a plot to twist which, like its predecessors, sets it apart from most slasher films. When we last left Jigsaw (Tobin Bell, the only cast member who doesn't have to scream half his dialogue), he was dying, and taking young Amanda (Shawnee Smith) under his wing to continue his work. Saw III picks up with Jigsaw in even worse shape than before, his body breaking down while his moralizing creepiness remains more or less intact. Amanda brings in an unhappy doctor (Bahar Soomekh) to keep Jigsaw alive along enough to see one of his most elaborate games played all the way through.

Continue reading: Saw III Review

Stranger Than Fiction (1999) Review


Weak
I am beginning to detect a very strange associate with the surreal and the sub par. This is not to say that I have repented and become a born-again fanatic of American cheese-factory films and will worship John Hughes until my knees bleed. Instead, it is only to say that the last several films that I have watched that have had the intent of being surreal have ended up being sub par. For example, take The Sixth Sense, Naked Lunch, The Blair Witch Project and numerous other oddities that escape me at the moment, each film supposedly working off of the weird but instead going into the realm of the noddy viewer (or, in the case of The Blair Witch Project, the physical embodiment of a Pepto Bismol commercial).

The latest in this string of disappointments comes in the form of Stranger Than Fiction, a film which has countless plot twists that are not only predictable but come with predictable regularity. All one must keep in mind to crack this film open like the WWII Enigma cipher is that Stranger Than Fiction works off of the idea that Stranger Than Fiction does not bare any resemblance to actual life (aside from being a perfect demonstration of Murphy's Law) but instead goes more along the lines of every single B-movie mystery you have ever watched. With that implanted in your head, you will not have to sit through the boring second half of the movie which the narrator spends explaining what goes on.

Continue reading: Stranger Than Fiction (1999) Review

Wild Things 3 Review


Unbearable
I have no real recollection of seeing Wild Things 2, but apparently I did, and reviewed it, in March 2004. I can't imagine it was any different at all from the increasingly unlikely and repetitive Wild Things 3, which, again, is another near remake of the original Neve-and-Denise sex romp. As in part two (at least per my notes), again we have teenagers in high school, bi-curious, trying to get their hands on a massively valuable pair of diamonds. Sadly, the acting here is as poor as it gets, and the girls aren't even that attractive anymore. Straight to DVD, of course.

Continue reading: Wild Things 3 Review

Saw III Review


OK
The Saw series, like most horror franchises, uses a lot of constants in its formula -- even when those constants don't seem particularly vital to the quality of the series. Saw III, for example, matches its predecessors in the dubious categories of histrionic yelling, equally histrionic smash-editing (often incorporating a generous helping of re-used footage, from the previous films or even from earlier in this one), and plot twists that depend on those histrionics to drown out implausibility.

But Saw III does actually have a plot to twist which, like its predecessors, sets it apart from most slasher films. When we last left Jigsaw (Tobin Bell, the only cast member who doesn't have to scream half his dialogue), he was dying, and taking young Amanda (Shawnee Smith) under his wing to continue his work. Saw III picks up with Jigsaw in even worse shape than before, his body breaking down while his moralizing creepiness remains more or less intact. Amanda brings in an unhappy doctor (Bahar Soomekh) to keep Jigsaw alive along enough to see one of his most elaborate games played all the way through.

Continue reading: Saw III Review

Saw II Review


Unbearable
When I was living in New York, I had the misfortune of spending a better part of one night in Penn Station. Tired of wandering, I wound up in the men's room around 3:45 AM and was greeted by quite a sight: a homeless man bathing in the sink, another making dreadful noises in a toilet stall, and a janitor sweeping up God know what off the yellow tiled floor. The janitor was smoking and the bathing homeless man asked him for a drag. The janitor requested that the homeless man to show him his teeth and the homeless guy obliged, presenting a sore mouth with maybe two or three black and yellow teeth jutting from obscenely swollen gums. The janitor said, "Alright," shrugged, and then let the guy take a drag of his smoke. After the guy with the rotting mouth took a nice long drag, the janitor took back the cigarette and smoked the rest of it.

Saw II made me feel like I was watching that same thing for 90 odd minutes. It's a picture as revolting as it is needless.

Continue reading: Saw II Review

Bats Review


Terrible
As anyone who knows me will tell you, I don't shut up often. But, when the lights go down, my mouth clamps shut... Unless its a complete Z-grade movie like Bats.

Bats is one of those movies where you have to get popcorn just to throw it at the screen. It is one of those movies where you have to make fun of those little kids scared out of their wits three rows behind you on the other side of the theatre. Most of all, however, it is one of those movies where you have to provide a running commentary.

Continue reading: Bats Review

Saw Review


Weak
You know how some movies have perfect trailers -- so imaginatively cut together that you can't help but have to see the movie when it comes out? And then you see the movie and it kinda sucks?

Saw is that movie.

Continue reading: Saw Review

Stranger Than Fiction Review


Weak
I am beginning to detect a very strange associate with the surreal and the sub par. This is not to say that I have repented and become a born-again fanatic of American cheese-factory films and will worship John Hughes until my knees bleed. Instead, it is only to say that the last several films that I have watched that have had the intent of being surreal have ended up being sub par. For example, take The Sixth Sense, Naked Lunch, The Blair Witch Project and numerous other oddities that escape me at the moment, each film supposedly working off of the weird but instead going into the realm of the noddy viewer (or, in the case of The Blair Witch Project, the physical embodiment of a Pepto Bismol commercial).

The latest in this string of disappointments comes in the form of Stranger Than Fiction, a film which has countless plot twists that are not only predictable but come with predictable regularity. All one must keep in mind to crack this film open like the WWII Enigma cipher is that Stranger Than Fiction works off of the idea that Stranger Than Fiction does not bare any resemblance to actual life (aside from being a perfect demonstration of Murphy's Law) but instead goes more along the lines of every single B-movie mystery you have ever watched. With that implanted in your head, you will not have to sit through the boring second half of the movie which the narrator spends explaining what goes on.

Continue reading: Stranger Than Fiction Review

Dragonheart Review


Weak
It's going to be a long summer, at this rate.

Trying as hard as possible to be Braveheart with a dragon (hell, look at the title!), Dragonheart is a pretty dismal affair, punctuated by a couple of good performances, a show-stealing computer-generated dragon (with a heart of gold), and a really, really hackneyed story line.

Continue reading: Dragonheart Review

Unspeakable Review


Unbearable
You kinda deserve to have your ass handed to you when you title your film Unspeakable, but when you make a movie as God-awful as this one, you really deserve it.

The story begs for description but truly makes no sense at all. I'll try my best: Serial killer Jesse Mowatt (Pavan Grover, who also wrote the script) is fried in the electric chair, but it just won't take. He keeps coming back to life! Enter psychologist Diana Purlow (Dina Meyer), who has a kick-ass machine that can turn your memories into video. Somehow she feels this will help matters, and though angry prison warden (Dennis Hopper, yeah baby!) doesn't like the idea, she goes ahead anyway. The subsequent gore is balanced by mealworms crawling out of ears and split-open brains plus a bizarre story about Purlow having an abortion secreted in her past.

Continue reading: Unspeakable Review

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