Boaz Davidson

Conan The Barbarian Review

Weak

With a complete lack of self-awareness, this po-faced remake looks more like a trash-TV series (a la Spartacus or Camelot) than a proper movie. Mainly because the filmmakers continually opt for gratuitous gore rather than actual storytelling.

Born in battle, Conan (Howard, then Momoa) is set on vengeance. His people, the Cimmerians, were slaughtered by the evil Khalar Zym (Lang), who was looking for the barbarian-held pieces to a mythical all-powerful mask. Once the mask is reassembled, Khalar Zym and his fiendish daughter Marique (McGowan) need a pure-blood of Acheron to activate it and, as luck would have it, the last one is hot babe Tamara (Nichols). So of course Conan and Tamara team up to fight off the villains and save the pre-historic world.

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Righteous Kill Review

By Blake French

Very Good

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino -- has there ever been a better acting team? For the first time since 1995's Heat, the two have leading roles in the same film, and their presence has allowed Righteous Kill to build a substantial amount of buzz. While the movie doesn't live up to the anticipation, it does pack a decent punch, thanks entirely to the leading men.

When hard-boiled rapists, pedophiles, murders, and drug lords slip through the legal system, are people who take the law into their own hands criminals or heroes? Righteous Kill explores the familiar subject of vigilante killers with a slight twist. This time, the killer is a cop.

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Derailed (2002) Review

By Christopher Null

Terrible

Proving that her brazen performance in Mulholland Drive was a total fluke, Laura Harring's sad attempt at acting in this Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle is nonetheless the best part of the movie. At least she has personality, if you catch my meaning.

Sadly, this apparent remake of Under Siege II, if you can believe that, has a speeding train, a biological weapon as cargo, terrorists, and Van Damme to muck up the operation. With all the usual atrocious dialogue ("We've got to clear the tracks now... and call the World Health Organization!"), awful effects (some of the worst bluescreening I've ever seen, and isn't that the cutest little model train???), and of course, fisticuffs (poor Van Damme isn't getting any younger), this is one bad, bad movie.

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Lonely Hearts Review

By Chris Cabin

OK

If it's one thing you learn about loving old movies, it's that sooner or later some hell spawn from the lowest depths of the lowest ring of the underworld will get the idea that he (or she) should remake it. You can't stop them, and praying seems to only make them madder. So, the fact that someone signed off on a remake of Leonard Kastle's paradigm of depravity, The Honeymoon Killers, shouldn't come as too big a surprise. But that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it.

First-time director Todd Robinson kicks off the festivities with the suicide of Detective Robinson's wife. As it happens, Detective Elmer Robinson (John Travolta) has taken his time attempting to get over his wife's death, and is just now opening up to a secretary at his office (Laura Dern). His partner Charlie (the great James Gandolfini) thinks it's healthy and that things are on the up and up. Then, a case lands on their desk that's a little too perverse for words. A couple, posing as brother and sister, answer "lonely hearts" ads promising love and security, only to end up bilking the mark for all they're worth and killing them. The investigation leads to a nurse named Martha Beck (Salma Hayek) and a wannabe playboy named Ray Fernandez (Jared Leto, with a ridiculous moustache and an absurd accent). The film follows Charlie and Elmer's pursuit of the Lonely Hearts Killers until a rather brutal holdout at a farm, where the couple find their last mark.

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Along For The Ride Review

By Christopher Null

Terrible

Phew! This was originally a First on Starz! Movie under the even-worse title of Forever Lulu. It wasn't any good then, and it certainly isn't any better now that you have to pay $3.50 for the privilege of a two-night rental.

The story is utterly moronic -- Patrick Swayze and Melanie Griffith play old flames. In keeping with all of Melanie Griffith's oeuvre, she's a bit crazy, of course. In fact, she's certified schizophrenic, which makes her insistence that she and the Swayzak track down their long lost illegitimate child all the more harrowing. And Penelope Ann Miller, playing a psychotherapist and Swayze's character's wife, figures that her husband will get so hot and bothered by the Griffith and her wanton ways that she needs to chase after them. And of course, Miller turns out to be no more stable than Griffith.

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The Last American Virgin Review

By Christopher Null

Good

Ridiculous yet irrepressibly fun, The Last American Virgin rivals Porky's as perhaps the raunchiest sex comedy of the '80s. Each scene careens from one teen copulation -- aborted or completed -- to another, with only the barest of plots to connect them all. It's uttelry absurd, and yet it has one of the best soundtracks ever put to film. Trust me!

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp Review

By Christopher Null

Terrible

It's not every movie that makes me pray that it was over before the opening credits even roll.

But Crocodile 2 has so little going for it -- from its lame opening robbery to its horrible characters to the bad dubbing to the airplane crashing in a swamp (yet no one can find it!) to the enormous alligator -- er, crocodile -- that eats all the villains.

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Some Girls Review

By Christopher Null

Weak

Some Girls takes the tired old movie about an ensemble of jaded, twentysomething youths in New York City, all looking for meaning and finding nothing but bitter heartbreak, and dramatically updates it, transforming this film into an ensemble of jaded, twentysomething youths in Los Angeles, all looking for meaning and finding nothing but bitter heartbreak.

While there's not much to recommend in this indie study of pretentiousness, it's curious for the Ribisi siblings -- Marissa, the stunning redhead best known from her cameo in The Brady Bunch Movie, and her brother Giovanni, who strikes a much different character here than he's usually typecast in.

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Shadrach Review

By Christopher Null

Good

Bizarre southern morality fable, about a poor man who encounters a homeless ex-slave on the verge of his death. Poor southern man must then come to grips with burying this guy. Uh, okay. 80 minutes of breezy cinematic fluff.

Derailed Review

By Christopher Null

Terrible

Proving that her brazen performance in Mulholland Drive was a total fluke, Laura Harring's sad attempt at acting in this Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle is nonetheless the best part of the movie. At least she has personality, if you catch my meaning.

Sadly, this apparent remake of Under Siege II, if you can believe that, has a speeding train, a biological weapon as cargo, terrorists, and Van Damme to muck up the operation. With all the usual atrocious dialogue ("We've got to clear the tracks now... and call the World Health Organization!"), awful effects (some of the worst bluescreening I've ever seen, and isn't that the cutest little model train???), and of course, fisticuffs (poor Van Damme isn't getting any younger), this is one bad, bad movie.

Continue reading: Derailed Review