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The Number 23 Review


Terrible
There are at least 23 ways in which The Number 23 sucks. The most important revolves around its inability to distinguish creepiness from cliché. It fails to realize that there's not nearly enough weed on this planet for its supposedly deep observations to blow your mind. As a result, moments meant to instill fear either evoke boredom or, more often, the giggles.

The movie begins with what has to be the 23rd re-enactment of the Seven credits that were groundbreaking 12 years ago. They do, however, feature a treasure trove of fun facts about the number 23 such as the Mayans predicting that the world would end in 2012. 20 + 12 = 32, which is 23 backwards; get it? Like I said, not nearly enough weed.

Continue reading: The Number 23 Review

The Wild Review


Terrible

You will not find a worse movie in Walt Disney's animated canon than The Wild. At the very least, the hyperactive abomination helps us understand why the once-mighty studio shelled out $7.4 billion to acquire Pixar Animation Studios earlier this year. Pixar is a proven hit factory, an imagination emporium responsible for the lucrative Toy Story adventures and the Oscar-winning superhero smash The Incredibles. If The Wild represents all that remains in Disney's think tank, it's now painfully clear that the Mouse House needs Pixar like a table needs legs.

Wild is a high-impact cartoon, the kind that catapults its characters head first into rocks, trees, and other animal's rear ends every time we expect a joke but are met with silence. Like its immediate predecessor, Chicken Little, this meaningless cartoon assumes kids will roar their approval so long as things move extremely fast, crash with teeth-shattering force, and pass gas. Parents lose twice - they must pay hard-earned cash to enter and then endure 90 minutes of noise.

Continue reading: The Wild Review

After The Sunset Review


Weak
Before I begin my review of After the Sunset, there is one thing I need to get off my chest. Salma Hayek...awoogah!!!

Thank you for permitting that interruption.

Continue reading: After The Sunset Review

Bubble Boy Review


Weak
It's difficult to expect much from a director whose greatest accomplishments to date are a handful of "award-winning" TV commercials, as is the case with Bubble Boy director Blair Hayes. That said, Hayes's feature film debut lives up to expectations, coming off mainly as equal parts offensive and moronic. But occasionally, Bubble Boy transcends its substandard roots with glimmers of humor and scathing social commentary.

Those moments of intelligence are delivered mostly by the film's two stars, Jake Gyllenhall as the immuno-deficient Jimmy and Swoosie Kurtz as his over-protective, hyper religious, Reagan-loving mother. Gyllenhall's sweet-natured delivery of Jimmy's hilariously naïve narration serves as the backbone for an otherwise flimsy coming-of-age story: Jimmy is a Bubble Boy, a kid born without immunity who could die if he comes in contact with a single germ -- a plight explored more seriously in the John Travolta TV movie Boy in the Plastic Bubble and less so on Seinfeld.

Continue reading: Bubble Boy Review

Coming Soon Review


Terrible
If Coming Soon is not the worst film of all time, it's damn near close. This horrifying movie follows three prissy, stuck-up New York City high-school girls whose two problems are 1) getting into college with the aid of bribes/daddy/lying and 2) having an orgasm (see if you can figure out that oh-so-clever title now). Kids, you can't make up shit like this. And oh, how I wish the writer hadn't made it up either. Not only is it in horrible taste, it's just plain horrible -- and oh, Mr. Gray, how sad I feel for you to be a part of this dreck.

Continue reading: Coming Soon Review

The House Of Yes Review


Good
It has often been said that films are like drugs. Let us expand upon this and say that films, in fact, are drugs of sorts. Not in the line that they are completely addictive and that one will begin to need a sort of Methadone to ween off of them but instead that they are drugs along the lines of caffeine. That each different type of movie is akin to a different type of coffee.

With this in mind, an analysis of dark comedies is possible. Dark comedies are triple-espressos drunk at two in the afternoon when your not tired but are already wired. In short, they are strong, biting, and only for the few that are immune to the residual effects.

Continue reading: The House Of Yes Review

Judas Kiss Review


Good
Intrigue and sexiness mix together in Judas Kiss, just not very well. Carla Gugino, Gil Bellows, Simon Baker, and Til Schweiger make an unlikely band of scam artists-cum-kidnappers, but it's cop partners Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson (both with outrageously bad New Orleans accents) that really make you wonder who the hell cast this thing. Tons of stars, including Hal Holbrook in an exceptionally over-the-top role, make this movie fun but unspectacular.

Johns Review


Bad
A latter-day Midnight Cowboy? They wish. Often described as gritty and realistic, boring and predictable is more like it.

Slap Her, She's French Review


Very Good
Slap me, I liked it.

If the farcical title for actress-turned-director Melanie Mayron's Slap Her, She's French doesn't scare you away, there's a chance the worn-out premise will. Don't let it. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, Mayron and her bubbly cast of newcomers deliver a delectable little treat that's sunny, funny, and far more intelligent than you'd expect.

Continue reading: Slap Her, She's French Review

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Beau Flynn Movies

Baywatch Movie Review

Baywatch Movie Review

Clearly, it's a risky proposition adapting a cheesy vintage TV series for the big screen:...

San Andreas Movie Review

San Andreas Movie Review

Set up as an old-style disaster movie with only a fraction of the plot, this...

Two Night Stand Movie Review

Two Night Stand Movie Review

Miles Teller and Analeigh Tipton are smart enough actors to make the most of this...

Hercules Movie Review

Hercules Movie Review

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Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Movie Review

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Movie Review

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Journey 2: The Mysterious Island Movie Review

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island Movie Review

With just one character from the 2008 adventure, this film does a decent job continuing...

Choke Movie Review

Choke Movie Review

Let's face it: No one thought Fight Club would be anything other than another flash...

The Number 23 Movie Review

The Number 23 Movie Review

There are at least 23 ways in which The Number 23 sucks. The most important...

The Wild Movie Review

The Wild Movie Review

You will not find a worse movie in Walt Disney's animated canon than The Wild....

After The Sunset Movie Review

After The Sunset Movie Review

Before I begin my review of After the Sunset, there is one thing I need...

Bubble Boy Movie Review

Bubble Boy Movie Review

It's difficult to expect much from a director whose greatest accomplishments to date are a...

Tigerland Movie Review

Tigerland Movie Review

As it turns out, war can be hell even if you never leave home.Joel Schumacher,...

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