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The Marine Review

By Jesse Hassenger

Weak

When The Rock unofficially decided, several years ago, that he'd like to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, someone must've sensed an opening down the action-hero totem pole; who's going to be the next Jean-Claude Van Damme, the next Chuck Norris, or the next The Rock, for that matter? Enter another professional wrestler, John Cena, and his film debut, The Marine. Cena plays John Triton, established early in the movie as the only U.S. soldier to ever feel depressed about leaving Iraq. It's not even by choice -- he is discharged for disobeying a direct order, busting up some (yes) al Qaeda operatives and saving fellow soldiers in the process. Marines, as we all know, are not trained to follow orders, just as commanding officers are not trained to give orders to save lives.

Triton returns home to his loving wife Kate, played by Kelly Carlson. In their brief romantic interludes, she appears distressingly close to fitting into a single palm of Cena, who looks sort of like a prehistoric Matt Damon. Fortunately for the restless marine, his wife is soon taken hostage by a disorganized band of jewel-thieving psychopaths, led by Rome (Robert Patrick). Psychopaths, as we all know, frequently channel their bloodlust into diamond heists.

Continue reading: The Marine Review

The Marine Review

By Jesse Hassenger

Weak

Continue reading: The Marine Review

Wrong Turn Review

By David Levine

Bad

Wrong Turn follows the same simple recipe of most other horror movies before it - take a half dozen dumbass kids, toss them into a leafy forest patrolled by freaks, and blend everything with the finest red blood available. The concoction is a little salty, but mostly it's just a bland imitation of earlier, finer creations.

Chris Finn (Desmond Harrington) is on his way to a job interview when he turns off the main highway to get around a massive pile-up that has clogged the interstate. The dirt road he finds takes him into the woods where his trip comes to a halt when he crashes into the SUV of five wannabe-campers who are stranded with a flat tire. Chris joins the dim-witted group of two couples, Carly and Scott (Emmanuelle Chriqui and Jeremy Sisto) and Evan and Francine (Kevin Zegers and Lindy Booth), and their friend Jessie (Eliza Dushku). The gang ventures deeper into the woods in search of a working phone to call for help; of course, their cell phones are out of range! Their journey eventually leads them to a log cabin where they soon discover a trio of disfigured, inbred inhabitants that have no need for a phone, but every desire for freshly killed meat.

Continue reading: Wrong Turn Review

Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever Review

By Sean O'Connell

Terrible

Pay good money to see Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever and you have nobody but yourself to blame. The signs, after all, shine so bright in warning you about this waste of brain cells that Stevie Wonder sent me an e-mail earlier this week telling me Ballistic would stink on ice.

Heck, even Stevie Wonder jokes are fresher than the Ballistic script. Blessed with the most ridiculous title in recent memory, Ballistic pits icy cool Antonio Banderas against smoldering hot Lucy Liu and watches the sparks fly. And fly. Then explode. And then fly some more. Liu, as rogue DIA agent Sever, kidnaps a child who's unknowingly carrying the latest invention of an unidentified shadow government. The device turns soldiers into flawless assassins. Eager to get their own hands on the device, the FBI blackmails former agent Jeremiah Ecks (Banderas) into stopping Sever and retrieving the boy.

Continue reading: Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever Review