Adam Gierasch

Adam Gierasch

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The Mother of Tears Review


Grim
The apocalypse is held over in Rome and, per usual, perennial schlockmeister Dario Argento is behind the entire thing. People are getting strangled by their own guts, women are taking butcher cleavers to their children, large bald men are dispatching lesbians by poking out their eyes and shoving large spears up their hoo-has. Just another day for Mr. Argento and his lascivious daughter Asia as they bring the trilogy that started with the master's classic Suspiria to a laughably berserk end. But really, how else could it have ended?

As previously mentioned, Rome has gone insane and it's all because of a dagger and three little statues dug up by a priest in some back-country cemetery. These troublesome artifacts find their way to a young art historian named Sarah (Ms. Argento) and her friend Giselle. As Sarah goes to fetch the cleaning supplies, Giselle gets her mouth split open and gets strangled by her large intestine before being consumed by three demons and their screaming pet monkey. As regular citizens begin to take to random acts of violence, Sarah is suspected of involvement by a detective (Cristian Solimeno) while she hides away with Michael (Adam James), the head curator of the museum.

Continue reading: The Mother of Tears Review

Derailed (2002) Review


Unbearable
Proving that her brazen performance in Mulholland Drive was a total fluke, Laura Harring's sad attempt at acting in this Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle is nonetheless the best part of the movie. At least she has personality, if you catch my meaning.

Sadly, this apparent remake of Under Siege II, if you can believe that, has a speeding train, a biological weapon as cargo, terrorists, and Van Damme to muck up the operation. With all the usual atrocious dialogue ("We've got to clear the tracks now... and call the World Health Organization!"), awful effects (some of the worst bluescreening I've ever seen, and isn't that the cutest little model train???), and of course, fisticuffs (poor Van Damme isn't getting any younger), this is one bad, bad movie.

Continue reading: Derailed (2002) Review

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp Review


Unbearable
It's not every movie that makes me pray that it was over before the opening credits even roll.

But Crocodile 2 has so little going for it -- from its lame opening robbery to its horrible characters to the bad dubbing to the airplane crashing in a swamp (yet no one can find it!) to the enormous alligator -- er, crocodile -- that eats all the villains.

Continue reading: Crocodile 2: Death Swamp Review

Derailed Review


Unbearable
Proving that her brazen performance in Mulholland Drive was a total fluke, Laura Harring's sad attempt at acting in this Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle is nonetheless the best part of the movie. At least she has personality, if you catch my meaning.

Sadly, this apparent remake of Under Siege II, if you can believe that, has a speeding train, a biological weapon as cargo, terrorists, and Van Damme to muck up the operation. With all the usual atrocious dialogue ("We've got to clear the tracks now... and call the World Health Organization!"), awful effects (some of the worst bluescreening I've ever seen, and isn't that the cutest little model train???), and of course, fisticuffs (poor Van Damme isn't getting any younger), this is one bad, bad movie.

Continue reading: Derailed Review

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